Letting go is scary, especially when it is letting go of something known and comfortable in order to walk towards a dream that doesn’t exist yet. We have all been there before. There have been two things that I wanted in the past that simply could never exist together. As hard as I tried to blend them, my suffering deepened until the moment I realized I had to chose to keep one and let one go. It sounds simple enough, right? It’s not, especially when it involves relationships.
I have wanted a sacred relationship for a very long time. What that means to me is a relationship where both people are fully present when they are together. They are kind, loving, honest, and considerate and desire to grow as individuals and as a couple. They are both a safe place for the other. They proudly stand beside each other along this journey even as it gets messy. In essence, I am on a quest to find the feeling of home in a relationship. That place where you are always welcome, safe, encouraged, supported and loved. Yet this is not a physical place.
I have had many relationships, at times they have been sacred, but have eventually fallen apart. The suffering for me reaches its peak when I desperately want the sacred relationship with someone specific who simply is not able to be that person with me. That is the moment when my heartaches the most. I either try to morph into someone else in an effort to feel love, or I share my desires while they continue to go unmet.
This leads to such struggle, suffering, tears and so many words. I spend time trying on the long list of “At least he’s not…” or “At least he is…” This only lasts for so long. The suffering reaches a pinnacle and I am crying more than laughing. I am so done with crying myself to sleep over a man. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit! To end my suffering I have to make a choice. Choose the man in front of me that is not my sacred person or choose the dream of sacred relationship. I pick the sacred relationship dream every time. Sometimes I leave the relationship and other times they leave me. There is sadness at the end of every one of them. Yet I have to say choosing the dream of a sacred relationship that is like home brings hope to my heart eventually!
A trusted advisor asked me to write what I wanted in a relationship and then write why I deserved it. My love of writing ceased every time I sat down to complete this task. I put it off for weeks. The day before the next meeting with my advisor, I sat down with a glass of red wine, turned on music and attacked this project. Writing what I wanted was easy-ish, for identifying what I DON’T want is simple. Coming up with why I deserved those things sent my head spinning. At first, guilt feelings showed up saying, “Maybe you don’t deserve those loving items.” Just behind that, justification showed up to say, “You do those things, isn’t it okay to receive them?” Next, the monkey mind threw in, “What makes you think you deserve anything? Doesn’t everyone deserve these? Just because you are nice doesn’t mean you deserve kindness.” I shook my head and said out loud, “Wait a minute!” Then it came to me, it is our birthright to be happy. I simply want to be happy and I’d prefer to move through this journey of life with a partner. Yet it is still happiness I want above all. We are here to pursue happiness. That does not mean that all of life is happy, it means we keep driving toward happiness despite what is in our face at the time. Life is messy yet simple. Stay true to your heart of hearts and it will all be okay in the end. We all will find ourselves face down in the dirt along the journey; just remember to get back up and keep taking steps towards your dreams.
I looked to my left as I finished writing all about our collective birthright to find a picture of my mom smiling on a hike out west along the coast of California. All she wants is for her children to be happy regardless of what it looks like. All I want for my daughter is for her to be happy. In the end, it is what all mothers want for their children. So just let go of what is not in alignment with your dream and happily keep taking steps towards it.
My dream is to be in a sacred relationship. Until my person finds their way into my life, I will continue to work on a sacred relationship with myself!
Letting it all go