Beyond the point of return
Posted on: October 12, 2015 • 1 Comment
I have crossed an invisible line. I am beyond the point of returning to life before this journey began. This sense of unknown is present, but peaceful. Tomorrow I travel to Sedona, Arizona to participate in a 3 day personal retreat with a place called Inner Journey. It is perfect timing. I want to let go of what is left of what I have been holding on to. It is time to go fully into this release process.
I still wake up some days and miss my old life. I miss my family that I thought I created to last for the rest of my life on 2 different occasions with 2 very different men. Those realities are over. I must complete this healing cycle and let myself go from them both. It is not about letting the families go, for they are already gone. There is no going back to any of that. If given the choice, I would not return. Yet to be completely honest, there are times I want to be part of that life again. They both had amazing joy and love, just not anymore. Hell, I don’t even feel like I can ever really return to living in the same town I started this journey in. That is where the spirit of those 2 families started and ended. I need a new place to settle into my life as this wholehearted, vulnerable, courageous, and loving self.
This is not about feeling sorry for myself; it is quite the opposite. There is no regret. I have the privilege of being the most present with and looking at myself without the distorted lenses of lies. I participated in dishonoring myself more than I realized. In those families I desired to find evidence of being enough outside of my self in order to see my value. This journey thus far has proven that to be completely wrong. Value lives within us. The external simply reflects back what we believe to be true about our own value. Making a go at life in this new way is foreign, exciting and the most heart exposing thing I have ever done. Add writing this blog for all to read and you have my vulnerability at its peak! Brene Brown would be proud! It is worth it all, yet filled with challenges. Stay tuned for my navigation through the personal retreat.