Here’s to Vulnerability!
Posted on: September 15, 2015 • 0 Comments
Extreme Vulnerability Post .
I am taking another leap and sharing a glimpse into my personal pit. Today was a tough day emotionally. That is what this trip is supposed to do, heal the heart. Sometimes that is with tears. I stumbled upon an old journal entry from October of 2014. I am so glad that I no longer live in the emotional place described in the post. I am sharing to further connect with you. I hope you find some value in it. Here it goes:
I just want to earth to open up and swallow me. This simply hurts so very much. I feel sadness, despair, defeat, unloved, unacceptable, unwanted, a burden, hated, a nothing. My body feels heavy, tired, slow, lethargic, shaky, cold, headache, tight throat, floating, erupting with tears, and frightened, fragmented, extreme heartache.
What am I feeling? Despair. a great loss. sad. sorrow shaking crying like dying, like my soul is damaged and can’t be loved. Pain. such deep despair, nausea. My body feels sick, tired, in sludge, short of breath, the breath holding. insignificant, invisible, tiny spec of nothing and at same time without borders. It is as though I can feel everything. It all is so much. I just want to shut it out. Too intense.
What am I afraid of? That I will die. That I am so flawed. That I cause others to leave me. That my self is wrong, that I am a mistake. That the real me is unacceptable. I am quickly replaceable. I am afraid that I am so toxic to others that it is destructive to someone to love me. That it is unloving to love me, unhealthy and detrimental to others who love me. The good I offer is extremely overshadowed by the pain I cause by just being me. My existence is dangerous to others.
What do I feel is going to happen? Everyone and everything that I love will leave me. That I will be nothing, alone, on the streets, shunned, reduced to nothing of value to humanity or the planet. That I will become dust and everyone will rejoice. My body feels numb and dead already. My eyes get heavy, my voice becomes quieter. My desire is to be small and invisible for if I am not the world will punish me. The more I show up as me the angrier the world gets. That it unsafe to be me for others and me. For I cause so much disappointment in someone when I am me. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I want to be seen and heard with joy and companionship and support. Yet I can’t get that when I am me. I need to change to please someone else for I am annoying, a disturbance to them. I am too young, lack maturity, lack personal control. Go play alone until you can control yourself. I was the youngest in the entire family by 10 years in my home. I remember that sometimes it felt like I didn’t fit in. I was always behind. That annoying little girl that the parents loved and cousins were quick to be annoyed with. Always trying to catch up. Just couldn’t. Now here I am. All caught up now and on a second divorce. That is not what I wanted when I was trying to catch up!
My heart feels constricted, boxed in and tight. On the front side of my chest it feels like a knife stabbing into the box. Pressure rises and I simply want to be swallowed up by the earth. Pause and focus on breathing in love and light even though it hurts. Just keep breathing into the heart. Even in the Pit I know that I am love, I am loveable, and I am loved. It is sometimes impossible to pause and connect to that when it hurts. No matter what happens, my heart is radiant. I am radiant. I am love. I am light.