“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down.

“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

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Posted on: October 1, 2015 • 1 Comment

“I don’t know.”  Those seem to be the words that continue to bubble up for me.  The emotional charge around them is transforming along this journey.  Prior to starting this trip the words, “I don’t know” would send off in a panic of feeling stupid or inadequate in some way.  If I did not know something that meant I was not prepared or above all going to get in trouble.

Getting into trouble feeling evokes a primal fear where lines become blurred and decisions are skewed.  This blended with the overwhelming message of “I have to do something” is crippling.  Unwinding that has proved to be exhaustively difficult.  I take myself on this journey filled with more unknowns than known, and this feeling repeatedly comes up in order to be healed. For I have quit my known job, left my known town, and am traveling to places I have never been while staying with many people I have never met.   To make it all the more interesting, I have no plans on what I will do for a career or where I will live at the end of this process.  I understand that where I have lived for the past 21 years no longer feeds my soul and it is time to find a new spot to call my own.  All of that may sound exciting, yet it requires me to be courageously authentic with myself.  Even while typing this I can feel the area beneath my skin began to vibrate like I am a trying to shed this skin and feeling.

I have read about the benefits of observing a feeling and creating distance from it while allowing it to pass.  Okay, that’s nice, yet this feeling grips my throat and soul while yelling in my face, “Fix this, or we will die!” It is time for this fear to die, as I have been keeping it alive through self sacrifice meanwhile believing in the lie that I am not enough.  It’s a bit difficult to just observe this fear in full fledged panic mode with some distance, yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other or drive one more mile to the next unknown.  Everything is alright every time I continue to do this.  If new experiences can tame this primal fear, it should be almost calm.   I know that is only part of the healing.  I must move through this pain with an open heart in order to complete this healing process.  Where does this lie come from?  Does that really matter?  Can I even remember the fear seed that was planted so long ago that has grown into a forest of fear?  Do I need to burn it all down or can I just love where I am in order to shift perspective in this forest of fears?

It is like looking through broken and tainted glasses.  The view is fragmented while my brain is filling in the details with fear.  Take off the glasses and I have the opportunity to a clear view of the truth.  When I can do just that, remove the broken glasses, I see love before me.  I see opportunity and clarity in what really matters to me; which is authentic relationships and actually living my life without fear.  I will not get in trouble for being me.  I will not meet others expectations, yet that is none of my business.  Their expectations belong to them, not me.  The players in my life have changed along the way.  All those who have left permanently needed to, even though it was painful.  Even though it is uncomfortable, I continue to be authentically me as the only thing that comes to mind is,” I don’t know.”  My heart continues to quietly say that “I don’t know” is exactly where I need to be in order for the next chapter to begin.  It is where I need to stay in order to heal.  It is where inspiration is born, where vulnerability is embraced and where fearless living is possible.



Living in the unknown

One Comment for “I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

  • On October 2, 2015 at 8:39 am (Edit) Lori said:
  • So, perfect love casts out fear. There is only one author of perfect love and He died for us to access it. Invite Him in and step into a journey that will give peace, joy, and end you where the one who created you intended:):) what greater joy and accomplishment is there than fulfilling what you were created for. My heart is set on pursuing God via the sacrifice of Jesus who opened the path for me:)♡ because I He who created me is able to bring me into the fullness of my potential and purpose. Love you, breathe that Pacific salt air and enjoy for me:):) check out sequoia park in eureka and see if Bill the gorilla is still there. I grew up watching Bill and last time I was there he was too.
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