Untying my life knot

Untying my life knot

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Posted on: September 23, 2015 • 2 Comments

Today was a driving day from Pray, MT to Kalispel, MT.  Roughly 6 hours in the car.  Driving days provide me with the opportunity to sing any song I desire as loud as possible, listen to books, catch up with family and friends on the phone, and stop as much as I want.  Today did not disappoint in any of those areas.

Talking with my brother today reminded me of many things. Because I am on this journey, there are many new privileges I’d like to share.  It doesn’t matter what day it is.  I don’t even know the day of the week and it is wonderful!  I would so fail an orientation test and be labeled with a dementia diagnosis.  Who cares?! All I have to keep up with is how many days am I staying where I am currently sleeping.  The particular day of the week makes no difference.  Wow, that feels good!  What feels even better, is that the time of day is irrelevant.  I sleep when I am tired, eat when hungry and hike when it works for me.  I so love this trip!  He also reminded me that I am loved as I am.  That my silly quirky self is enough and good.  He said this journey was like untying a knot.  That some days it is easier than others, yet untying the knot reveals more of the truth about who I am.

I remember having necklaces get all knotted up.  There was great frustration in trying to work the knots out.  The hard part was that I could not see where to start or which way to pull. After what seemed like eternity and getting nowhere, I would try a different technique.  I would close my eyes.  To my surprise with gently feeling the knot it would slowly begin to loosen.  Then when reopening my eyes the area to pull on next became obvious.  Before I knew it the necklace would be free of knots.

I am unraveling my life “knot” right now.  Up to the point I left for this journey, my eyes were wide open staring, pulling and tugging at my life knot.  The same twisted result continued to appear right in front of me.  I have finally closed my eyes and opened my heart.  This meant I had to take a leap of faith, trust what my heart was saying, and quit my life as I knew it.  I remember the sleepless night when I realized I needed to quit my job.  My ego was screaming at me, “What the hell are you doing?  Open your eyes?”  Continuing to listen and follow my heart has not been easy, yet it has been so worth it.  I find myself continuing to say that I have no idea what life with “look” like when this journey is complete.  Yet, you know what?  I don’t care what it will look like.  I know that it will feel complete, open and free of old life knots.    Exactly what I am supposed to do next will show up.  As hokey as that sounds, I believe it.  Look at all the crazy stuff that has “magically” appeared so far.  Just trust my heart and get out of the way is all I have to do.  I think doing the 10+ miles of walking lunges yesterday was easier!

This solo journey makes sense now.  Hugging trees feels not only fun but necessary.  Connecting back to nature is where my heart belongs.  I had to do this alone in order to stop looking at the knot and start putting one scared foot in front of the other until I am not scared anymore.



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