Posted on: November 2, 2015 •
It is official, I am heading back to where I started and determined to rise up. 16 hours of driving east over a 2 day period has landed me in Memphis with a dear friend whom I have not seen in 13 years. I have crossed the threshold of 10,000 miles driven and 200 hours in the car. The past two days have proven to be as emotional as the first 2 days of the trip. Extended hours in the car leave me alone with my thoughts, yet this time my heart has a larger part in the conversation. I trust the process. I know that every moment of my life journey is absolutely necessary for me. It doesn’t have to be justified by anyone. Every step in necessary for my growth.
Vulnerable truths: 1. I am scared. I don’t know what the future will hold and I have never been in this spot before. I want to be authentic and don’t know what that will turn out like in the end. 2. Tears come to my eyes often as I recall what I co created with the end of my marriage last year. The holidays were incredibly difficult last year as life unraveled. Whether I like it or not, I am a bit lost this year as well concerning the holidays. This trip has shown me that I am lovable, valuable, and funny dammit! Yet I participated in the most soul damaging experience of my life last year and I am still healing. I hoped to be done by now; I am not. 3. I want to utilize all of this healing, love and pain in order to the benefit of others. This life journey and extreme vulnerability has got to make a difference for someone other than myself, or what is the point? 4. I still don’t know what I am to do next and want to follow my heart, no matter how long that takes. My fear of living on the street when I run out of money kicks in here, then my negative self talk of failure starts in. Now my heart reminds me to breathe and to trust! 5. I am headed back to my old home and realize that I want a safe sanctuary where I am able to be fully myself. That spot outside of me has not yet revealed itself, and that is okay. 6. I have got to get out of my own way!
Tomorrow I am gifting my self with a day of pampering to demonstrate loving behavior rules even when the future is uncertain! I also understand that very long drives are challenging and exhausting!