Posted on: November 6, 2015 • 1 Comment
I am on the last leg of my journey. My gratitude overflows with the many amazing things that have happened over the past 11,000 miles. Most of them revolve around emotional growth and healing. I somehow imagined that all healing would be complete, or very close to it by the time I reached home. Well, that is not reality.
I have dedicated myself to being present, aware and conscious with my thoughts, feelings and behaviors in order to heal them. With that commitment, I must confess that heading towards home brings with it many challenges. I neglected to honor what my emotions might be during this time of the year. This time last year, my life was filled with a roller coaster of suffering, pain and anguish that is indescribable. I was not prepared to have those emotions bubble back to the surface in time with their anniversaries. Well, here I am and here they are. All bubbling to the surface to be recognized and healed. Actually, it feels more like my spirit is demanding for me to pause and take heed in order to heal fully.
I recognize that I must do this healing for myself, by myself without being in relationship. For a relationship with a man is where I lose a sense of self ownership and am most at risk to dishonor my self while justifying it. You see, it is not the fault of the man for it is me. It is my warped ego’s demand to make myself and needs small in order to be lovable. I realize in my heart that this behavior is destructive and the ego’s messages are complete bull shit! This ego of mine certainly is not about to die willingly or with grace. It reminds me of the common scene in scary movies when the good guys finally have had enough and try to kill the bad guy. Just when you think the bad guy is dead, he circles back around while you are not looking and tries with all of his might, to slit your throat. In some movies the bad guy wins. That is what it feels like with trying to kill my ego. So, I am removing an ego feeding catalyst until further healing has occurred. I will no longer participate in a disservice to myself and the relationship partner while in early stages of this healing process. It took 9 weeks to love myself enough to recognize that more self love is needed. Even though it is uncomfortable at this moment, it is what my heart is crying out for; the love of my self as it is right now in this process. I am listening.
As I return home, I am certain to face more growth opportunities while I am determining the next chapter in my life journey, that I have had a 9 week break from. In the final Airbnb in Asheville, NC that I am staying in just so happened to have the perfect message for me on the refrigerator written by Corrine De Winter. Enjoy!
Nothing is Broken
There is not a thing, person or incident that can break you
You BEGIN whole, and remain whole- Forever.
Even with the “damage” you’ve endured,
The sorrow and trials,
There is no experience that can mar you,
Or take away your perfect soul.