I continue to be surprised in this process of healing even as the road trip has ended. I feel a huge push and pull at the same time within me. Push to figure it out and a voice yelling do not stop. Then I get all mental looking to find permission to be me in this process. Uggh! The Pull back is from my heart reminding me to breathe and to be open for the future has a way of showing up.
I am in the midst of a wonderful meditation practice called the presence process. It is simple and profound. Spend 15 minutes in the morning and evening in silence and stillness. This is more difficult than it sounds. To pause and be present in stillness fully invites the emotional unrest to surface and gives the mind a wonderful opportunity to play. I am now focused on observing the neurotic thoughts rather than arguing with them or trying to sway them. Wow, what a cluster of a tangled mess.
Now that I know I will be leaving this lovely town, there is a push to go find the house, put mine on the market and hurry to get a job. I do not know what I will be doing. I choose to love that “I don’t know” state. It gives me space to listen, learn and be curious about new things. Yet how my mind wants some action right now!
I found that I love to tell and to listen to people’s stories. The joy and pain are raw when immersed in an authentic story. I invited someone to read my blog whom I recently met. I actually did that a great deal on the trip, yet there was one benefit on the trip. I left after I told them about it. Therefore, even if they were to learn all the dirt on my life and me I was already gone. So it feels a bit like I am flying under the radar.
I believe that I go unnoticed most of the time. Often when visiting family, I would leave at least a day earlier than planned. I just figured that no one really noticed. Well, apparently that became a bit of a family joke. “When is Kristin leaving?” Or “Who wants to bet on how long she will stay?” Sometimes I would leave because it was uncomfortable, other times it was the itch to get going and often times it was because I felt too vulnerable to stay.
Something new occurred with inviting someone to read the blog that I would actually see after they read it. I feel exposed. Then much to my surprise, that person immediately read and shared their insight about some of my writing. It was as if I had just shared my innermost thoughts with someone who may or may not be kind. It was a new form of vulnerability. There was not a reciprocal level of emotional exposure on their part. Damn it! I had not thought of that one!
Sharing and leaving is somewhat safe. At least I do not have to stay and watch their response. I get to separate myself from it a bit. Returning home, I am experiencing the response in others. It is no longer something distant. I see the emotions in their eyes and words. It brings a new layer to the story. Not only is it about my emotions it now contains theirs. I love how that works, yet I was not prepared for that one. My experiences are not anything that no one has ever dealt with. Divorce, heartache and midlife crisis are all very common place. Sharing the innermost thoughts and feelings is adding something very personal to the experience. Then, I put it out there for others to read and judge. What was I thinking? Oh, it was to connect authentically to people. I am now connecting in that way that is like nothing I have ever experienced.
Thinking that I would not face someone who knows a lot more about me than I know about them has proven to be ridiculous. I did not really think anyone outside of family and close friends would take the time to read the blog.
I may have a vulnerability hangover because I understand that my very private process is in my blog that everyone has access to. Sharing my heart brings much more authenticity to my life. My ideas and way of moving through life continue to evolve. With that evolution, people come in and out of my life. Some stay for longer than others, yet that is okay. I love them while we are together. Change is the only constant.
I am connecting into the level of vulnerability with sharing my authentic self. It feels exposing, yet in a rejuvenating way. When my blog is read, it feels like a relief. I do not have to work my way into trusting you to share my story. You can read it and share your thoughts immediately. Actually, it is quite the time saver. Just wow is all I can think about, because you now know all about me, and you have not yet shared your story. The great part about that is when we do get together it is my turn to listen!
Here’s to listening!