As Tinkerbell continues on her journey, she focuses to allow the Buddha in her heart to lead the way. It has been a long and emotionally difficult journey to shift the focus. Tinkerbell is committed to living life from the inside out. That means that she knows that love comes from within her first and then flows to the outside. She does not have to do anything in order to experience love and kindness. The outside reflects what is on the inside, for the outside can NEVER fill the heart with love and joy. Our happiness is an inside job.
For all of Tinkerbell’s life she has been living from the outside in. She believed she needed to be good enough on the outside in order to experience love within. Thoughts become things, and Tinkerbell’s thoughts of needing to do something in order to receive love became her truth in relationships. Over time Tinkerbell learned that men are unsafe, and they require her to be someone they need or do something in order to make their lives emotionally comfortable and easier in order to receive their love. The biggest lie of all was that if they did do something nice for her, eventually they would punish her for their kindness by withdrawing love, leaving a bill, or creating more work in their wake than was there to begin with.
Fast forward to present time with Buddha in charge. Wow! Life has changed. Kindness and love radiate from her heart and wonderful things happen without anything required of Tinkerbell. Countless men have shown up to be kind without any expectation to receive anything. By opening her heart to loving herself first Tinkerbell is now experiencing love outside of her in many ways. The most recent example of this is a brand new deck!
2 men and 2 women built my new deck and created a fire pit, all because they wanted to. My courage was needed to even voice to my beloved friends that a project was coming up. The 2 men were quick to offer their time and encouraged me not to pay anyone to do it. Emotions and fears light up in me like a Christmas tree. This deck would be for my property only. Of course they would get to enjoy it, but it was clearly for me. Am I worth that kindness and generosity? Buddha says, “Yes. Just keep sending love and gratitude.” By the end of dinner we had a date set to rebuild. Excitement and calmness washed over me.
2 weeks before the build date another fear bubbled up. “What if they don’t show up to rebuild the deck? I can’t do it myself. I’d better get a backup plan in for some crew I’d pay to do this project.” That one was subdued pretty quickly with meditation and everyone showing up on the project morning. Buddha says, “Shhhh. Wait and see.”
The magic happened with the team working together. The men were kind to one another. No tension, no anger, no complaining in the 95 degree heat. The weekend was hot, the deck needed 95% of it replaced, and none of us had worked together on a project before. It was a delight to work with these 2 men. Jeff took the time to stop and teach me how to use a drill correctly. Funny, it turns out I have been making it harder than it really is for many years. It is kind of ironic to learn that I was making the use of a drill harder than necessary. With this new skill, I built about 2/3rds of the railing for the deck and screwed down a few of the boards! I did have the opportunity to do feminine tasks with my girlfriend, Jessie. We kept the guys hydrated and fed. I cooked a spectacular dinner for the completion of work for the first day while almost slicing off my finger tip in the process. It was a perfect end to the first day of this two day project.
Low and behold another fear came up as I was getting ready for bed. “What will I do if they don’t get it done and then I have to find someone to finish it? Oh my, who would I have to hire to do that? I don’t know who would help me with that.” I must have said it out loud, because Jeff said, “We will get it done tomorrow. If we are not able to for some reason then we will deal with it together, but trust me that it will get done. I will help you.” A wave of peace and gratitude washed over me. I had not realized how much tension and fear was wrapped around asking for help and then allowing the person to actually help.
While in Utah last year, I visited Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. This is a no kill sanctuary for every animal imaginable. If I were an animal this is the place I would want to live! While touring the dog facilities I met a full grown female pit bull who had been abused by men. She had gone through a great deal growing up and as a result she was petrified of men. This came out in growls, aggressive behaviors and if that did not work then she would retreat and bark nonstop until the man left. At the sanctuary she was showered with love and training just like all of the animals are. The trainers realized that she had only interacted with mean men. The trainer explained, “What this dog needed was to meet many kind men and then she could learn that men weren’t mean, just her abusers were.” The day I met her, she was scheduled to be adopted out by a family that included a mother, father and 2 teenage boys. With hearing her story, I remember standing there with tears in my eyes. I realized that I had made an unfair generalization on men. All of them are not mean. Nor will they leave me with an unfinished project to find someone else to finish. I just needed to open my heart to loving myself more in order to attract kind men into my life. Gladly, I can say that it actually worked. I have met many kind men in all aspects of my life over the past two years!
Sunday evening as the last screw was put in place on the deck, tears came to my eyes as I remembered the dog from Utah. This was a healing moment and gratitude overflowed right out of my eyes. I snapped a picture of these kind men who helped to heal my heart and give me a deck. The Buddha in my heart smiled, and said, “Look! I told you so. Keep living from your heart and kindness can’t help but find you!”