Where does home live? I have been lost for a while, and made the mistake of attaching the feeling of home to a person. I also attached love and happiness to people outside of myself. People and situations are simply reflections of what is inside of me. Home is the feeling that I am awakening to and its actual address, despite who is or isn’t in my life.
Reclaiming my power has been a journey I committed myself to about 10 years ago. I have discovered that love, joy, home, and happiness all live within me. Sadness and suffering live there too. I believed that everything else could leave me and I would still have “home” if, this one person didn’t leave. The family I thought I would have for the rest of my lifetime ended 3 years ago. My physical address changed and many of my relationships transformed since I dedicated myself to healing. People have either left my life completely, the essence of the relationships that stayed drastically changed, or they are brand new people. I was hoping that the relationship with one person would be insulated from this process.
When the shift to love myself fully occurred within me, everything external eventually would have to shift. It may take awhile but I knew at some level, every relationship would have to change. The relationship with me is what set in motion this metamorphosis of life. You see, once I started to fall in love with this wildly messy, beautiful being that is perfectly in process, I wanted to get to know that part of me better. I wanted to see what fed my soul and do more of that. I love to run, but the motivation behind running is different now. Rather than running away from the storm that is in front of me, I now move towards it. In the act of going through the storm is where the true healing exists. For in the center of the storm, is where I find God, peace and awareness.
I am at my best in the woods, on long road trips, laughing with friends and dancing around the living room. I now take care of me in all of those ways and many more. I had the energetic tattoo of “Sucker” removed from my forehead, and picked myself up from being the doormat only to discover the key to love is right under my feet. I radiate joy and deep emotions all the while, I am dedicated to learning to be strong and lovingly authentic in order to create sacred relationships. Everyday is different and some run smoother than others. Each step is worth it, even the painful ones.
People will do what they want. They always do. Controlling another person is an illusion that does not last. Previously, I wanted my external life to heal my inner life. That is not possible, since the external world reflects to us what we believe about ourselves and life. All of the beautiful and painful aspects that exist in life have not changed since I dedicated myself to healing 10 years ago. I simply now recognize that beauty is everywhere, even in the pain. People are not anti-Kristin (or others), they are pro-themselves. Authentic and vulnerable conversations concerning our own actions take a level of awareness, compassion, courage and empathy that may take decades to develop. Remembering that as significant relationships in my life evolve is important and challenging. Much to my surprise a key relationship that represented “home” has also transformed drastically, just not in the way I imagined. Ellen DeGeneres said, “When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in.” This shift allowed me to let an enormous amount of light into my heart. It also gave me the courage to stand up for myself with loving compassion for everyone involved while establishing boundaries. The experience has gifted me the opportunity to remember the value in giving others space to live life as they desire. I surrender completely, and do not claim to know what is best for anyone other than me. As a result of this, I return to my inner home! There is no place I’d rather be remembering all that lives inside me.