A year later

One Year Later!

It has been one year since I left everything known to leap off the mountain top into the unknown. I have a stone next to my bed that says, “Leap and the net will appear.” Yes, a net appeared in the form of loving support from family, encouragement from trusted friends, new adventures, working through old fears and expanding my comfort zone. I had two desires when I jumped right out of the known: one was to find my next landing spot and the other was to create a sacred relationship.

Both of these desires were within my grasp at all times, I just didn’t notice. While taking time to sit with the true meaning of finding my landing spot, I realized that it was more about finding a new place to call home. Much to my surprise, I found that home is where the heart is and lives within me. The sense of home can be created anywhere as longs as I remember that I carry it within me at all times. That is incredibly freeing. It doesn’t matter where I physically live, because home is a feeling I have the choice to keep in mind or not. Much like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, she had the ability to return home at any time. I don’t need to click my heels, I just need to breathe, remember and go within.

Creating a sacred relationship has been a bit of a different story. After countless first dates, enjoyable times and heartbreak, I find myself a bit disheartened while wondering if I will ever find something sacred with a man again. I certainly have not experienced any lasting success in the past year. Yet something wonderful happened when spending time with just me. I have relished in the opportunity to get to know who I am without the constraints of a relationship, which again, is incredibly freeing! Self-dates have been fun this past year. I am super appreciative with the investment of time, planning, and money that I am putting into myself. I finally can celebrate that I am great company (even if the conversation is the same much of the time). Surely, I still want a sacred relationship with a man. Yet in the meantime, I am going to live this solo life like a boss. That way, when he shows up there will be no question that we are meant to be! In the meantime, I might as well chase the sun while doing whatever I want!!

The new friends I have met along the way are spectacular and have brought so much joy to this unknown process. By the time I figure out where to set down roots, I will have made lasting friendships all over the country! Renting a room in the homes of others provided the perfect amount of solo time coupled with family time. It is spectacular to hear the following statements, “Coffee is ready.” ” Good morning.” ” Have a great day!” And my all time favorite, ” Would you like to have dinner with us?” Thank you so much to my house families over this past year! Welcoming Journey and me into your homes and lives is something I will cherish forever!

I have no clue where this leap of faith will take me and that is okay. As uncomfortable as it is for me to do this, the experiences that have occurred over the past year would have NEVER happened had if I stayed in the land of comfort! Blasting through the walls of discomfort and fears have lead me to the land of sunshine and smiling faces! Just last night I was invited to happy hour with a patient that I no longer work with. I am not sure what this will all look like in the end, but I believe wholeheartedly that I am doing something right at this moment!

Happy Trails,

Kristin

Approaching Anniversary

My year anniversary of leaving everything known to venture out into the world of traveling OT is quickly approaching. All of my possessions for my daily life fit in my car and I left all the furniture items in storage. Honestly, I could get rid of another 50% of those things. It is funny how physical items matter less now. I gain great satisfaction with slowly releasing more items at the completion of an assignment. It is a game I play to get rid of one suitcase full of items every 6 months.

Heading out 2018

Without a permanent home, there is almost nothing to buy that stays with me long term. I really can’t accumulate much, as it needs to fit in my car. My spending and saving rituals have changed greatly over the past year. Previously, I believed that experiences mattered more than things, yet now I am living that belief full time. I spend my money on exploration, adventures, great food, and even better wine. It is still an adjustment to figure out what to do with all of the time that I used to spend on tidying up my home.

I am off from work this week. It is a real struggle to actually relax and veg out. Work friends laugh at my challenge. It is only Tuesday and I have done EVERYTHING I wanted to do for the week. Friday I head to Bisbee, AZ for a weekend adventure. The rest of the week will be dedicated to hiking (weather permitting) and trying to stay in PJs most of the day. I am not so sure how that is going to work out.

The lessons I learn along this adventurous year continue to evolve, but there is a main theme of gratitude. No matter where you are there will be love and loss. I am so thankful to be experiencing those emotions in a new environment with different people. It may be an illusion, yet it is not with the same people in the same places anymore! I am forced to reach out to trusted friends and family who don’t live anywhere near me for love and support. I am stronger emotionally and physically than I think I am. It is okay to say that life is hard and sucks at times. There is great power in continuing to push forward in times of distress, as there is love right around the corner and a phone call away. Nature has a way of soothing my soul. The more I am in it the better I feel. Finding friends can be really hard, but a kind smiling soul is easy to locate just about anywhere. We decide where to place our focus. My current lesson is to honor the emotions no matter what they are, especially the sad ones. Rather than run from them, I strive to ask for love and support as I navigate them. I am forever grateful to all who do this for me, especially the ones who have no idea how much they help.

I love what I do. I know why I do what I do. Bringing independence back to others by any means necessary with joy and laughter is what I do best. I am a problem solver by nature, always seeking solutions and options. Professionally, this solution seeking has protocols, a sequence and extensive training filled with mentors. Personally, I suppose that is kind of true as well, yet much more difficult to navigate at times. The people I serve in home health remind me daily how important the little things are. Focusing on the spectacular simple life moments has made this year worth every moment!

Who knows what the next year will bring. I am certain it will include joy, love, challenge, tears, sweat and adventure while my boundaries of comfort continue to shatter.

Looking Forward!

Cheers,
Kristin
Exploring student

Quest for Companionship

I will try to do this entry while in the raw emotional state that I find myself in currently. Bear with me as it is so hard to put raw feelings into words that make sense. Those of you who see me daily would never know the struggle that happens inside me sometimes. I save the truth for lonely nights. The past 4 and a half years have been an uphill climb on my hands and knees while I try to create my new life. The saying “mountains are meant to be climbed not carried” holds a special place for me. As I have a way of trying to carry every mountain I ever climbed. There are times when I am able to put them down and that time of release is lasting longer now. This transition in life has been filled with amazing experiences as well as awful ones. For a while I would have sworn I was living the life of a country song. You know how it goes; lose the dog, house, truck, job, friends, and lover.

Companionship is something I have been on a quest to find pretty much for as long as I can remember. This companionship quest needed to start with me getting to know me after the story of my life blew up in my face. Dating myself has revealed so much about what brings me joy and for the first time in my life I actually like who I am. I love spending time with me and going out by myself to see what shows up is fun. This practice has brought some amazing people into my life that have left marks on my heart. Some of those marks are wonderful and other marks broke my heart even more. But I have not given up on my quest for companionship.

In my quest I have had a year of first dates which I could write a book on. Stay tuned for that one! I have left my hometown of 22 years and now rent a room in the homes of loving families. I opened my heart to love another man again and found so many kind words, promises, and abandonment. I just want a companion to move through this new chapter in life. Not even the kind of companion that blends all of life together in a suffocating and limiting way. Just a companion that would have integrity and show up to share some of life’s experiences together. Oh and I know it is selfish but, I want a person that I feel a connection with.

Over the past 4 and a half years, my true companions stood up proudly as the impostors dropped off one by one. My parents, brothers, sisters-in-love, and girlfriends root for me from all different corners of the country. That being said there is still a void in my life. That space previously overflowed as there wasn’t enough time in the day to take care of all the responsibilities of life with kids, a house and husband. Now I have more time than responsibilities. Which means I am alone with myself A LOT! I am great company, but even I get tired of me. Now that I like myself in a brand new way, and I enjoy being with me I simply don’t want to do all of my time alone. I have taken every step possible to rebuild the emotional reserves, but honestly, they have not been replenished since life through me the curveball of divorce coupled with an empty nest.

My brother and sister-in-love came to visit last weekend. It was heavenly! I am not being dramatic, it really was great. It was companionship live and in person. My heart soared! I knew they were going to shoot straight with me about my struggles with dating, and I welcomed it. I felt loved and belonging where I gave myself permission to be raw and put down the mask. Everything just flowed and was filled with loving laughter. It really didn’t matter to me at all what we did together, I just wanted to be with them. Something surprised me when our time together came to an end. I felt such a loss and sad as I to return to daily life alone.

This sounds pathetic and woe is me. I have so much love around me from the loving couple I live with now to my regular chats with girlfriends and family. Yet times like these suck the life right out of me. Learning from the past is so important to me as I am ready to stop the repeated heartache. Even as I type this, it is likely that I will repeat the process a few more times (ugh!). I have no “right” to feel what I feel when looking at the life I have created over the past 4 and a half years, but I feel what I feel. Having grace and patience with myself on days like today is my goal, and it is not easy. I continually ask the Universe what is the lesson that I am to learn. There is never an answer I can hear! There has been such an alarming number of ghosting experiences from potential companions. I suppose it is possible the Universe is kicking the wrong people out of my life at a much faster rate so I don’t lose another decade to the wrong man. Thank you, but could you allow me to catch my breath for a minute. As I don’t believe the point is to become hardened, closed and cynical about humanity. I took a road trip 4 years ago and remembered how incredible people are. Now I am experiencing what feels like punishment for feeling hope when I meet a potential male companion.

With the gift of making everything my fault, I find myself scrutinizing every action I make. That helps to create the mountains I carry. It feels as though I am on the cusp of something epic. I just don’t know if in the end if it will look like a breakthrough or a breakdown. We will just have to wait and see! In the meantime, it is far overdue to put the mountains down and set me free. As a person who constantly wants to do something, this is a time when I have to focus on being. The hard part to that is I am not sure if I am doing this being thing right. I just laugh as I read that aloud! The rawness has passed as I have just put one of the emotional mountains down. As the weight of the past is so heavy; I am putting it down. Now I just need to leave it there!

Namaste!
Kristin