Less of the same, rather than letting go completely

Less of the same, rather than letting go completely.

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Posted on: October 2, 2015 • 2 Comments

On my walk through the Redwood forest a few thoughts gained some more clarity.  I have spent a lot of time in the past doing less of the same rather than just letting go.  What  does that mean?  Kind of like the time I believed that I could just smoke less rather than quitting smoking altogether and magically it would be easier to quit.  That is not really how it worked out.  I would always return to smoking full time until I was sick of it and quit cold turkey.  Sure it was uncomfortable, but only for a short while.  Doing less smoking just increased the desire to smoke more and kept the discomfort lingering for much longer.  My experience of doing less of something that I need to quit tends to bring on a wonderful layer of guilt and destructive self talk.

I noticed that several other areas of my life fit this pattern of doing less of the same thing rather than letting go.  Something as simple as dealing with my neighbor who loves to feed my dogs.  She used to feed them real food which they promptly became sick in my house from.  I decided to be friendly rather than honest while avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.  I bought dog treats and asked that she only feed the dogs these.  She agreed and went through the entire box in about 2 days.  The dogs continued to get sick on my carpet.  The do less of the same behavior came up again, and I asked her to only feed them 3 treats a day.  Guess what?! They still on occasion had accidents in the house. In my distraction of getting ready for my trip, I did not take the 30 seconds to tell her to stop feeding the dogs.  My glorious friend who is house and dog sitting has to deal with an unruly neighbor who is determined to give my dogs 3 treats a day until I return and tell her not to.  I took the cowardly kindness avenue which is swiftly leading to a far more difficult conversation upon my return.  Had I just been honest with myself first and said no more food of any kind to my neighbor to begin with, this  issue would be over.  Yet it is not.

My career also comes to mind.  I had reached a point that I needed to stop doing what I was doing for a living.  I love the people, yet the actual job was no longer feeding my soul.  It had become a drain rather than the charge of excitement it once was.  In my effort to stay responsible, I was proposing a part time version of the same job. My thoughts were that if I did less of it then I would be rejuvenated.  The doing less was about to happen and then I woke up.

I remember being in the woods at the Appomattox river this summer, and realized that I had to quit.  Quit my job.  Quit the life I created in trying to do less of the same thing.  Quit my self punishment.  Quit trying to ease the discomfort of others and myself while avoiding the truth.  

Truth as I know it right now:  I want to be immersed in a community where it is warm more than it is cold.  Where there are trees to hug, trails to walk, water to kayak in, and yoga classes to take with friends.  I desire to create a home for myself where I can experience healthy relationships being authentically me without running into negativity from the past.  I just want to be!  I was busy thinking I needed to find my spot in order to bloom.  Actually, I need to bloom first, then everything will fall into place.



2 Comments for Less of the same, rather than letting go completely.

  • On October 12, 2015 at 11:22 pm (Edit) Sherolyn said:
  • You are giving me some serious thoughts. Perhaps I am doing the same thing. Trying to do less of something instead of just stopping all together. I know there is something else in life I want to do more of, and I need more time in which to do it. But doing less of the other is still limiting my ability to do more with what I want.
  • I do hope we continue to be friends, I’d love to be a part of the new beginning and healthier side of life.
  • You have been a great inspiration to me from meeting at work to reading your blogs.
  • Thanks for sharing such beautiful messages.
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  • On October 15, 2015 at 1:16 am (Edit) kspringfield said:
  • Thank you so much, Sherolyn! Friends we will always be!

“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down.

“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

You are here: Home » Inspiration » “I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

Posted on: October 1, 2015 • 1 Comment

“I don’t know.”  Those seem to be the words that continue to bubble up for me.  The emotional charge around them is transforming along this journey.  Prior to starting this trip the words, “I don’t know” would send off in a panic of feeling stupid or inadequate in some way.  If I did not know something that meant I was not prepared or above all going to get in trouble.

Getting into trouble feeling evokes a primal fear where lines become blurred and decisions are skewed.  This blended with the overwhelming message of “I have to do something” is crippling.  Unwinding that has proved to be exhaustively difficult.  I take myself on this journey filled with more unknowns than known, and this feeling repeatedly comes up in order to be healed. For I have quit my known job, left my known town, and am traveling to places I have never been while staying with many people I have never met.   To make it all the more interesting, I have no plans on what I will do for a career or where I will live at the end of this process.  I understand that where I have lived for the past 21 years no longer feeds my soul and it is time to find a new spot to call my own.  All of that may sound exciting, yet it requires me to be courageously authentic with myself.  Even while typing this I can feel the area beneath my skin began to vibrate like I am a trying to shed this skin and feeling.

I have read about the benefits of observing a feeling and creating distance from it while allowing it to pass.  Okay, that’s nice, yet this feeling grips my throat and soul while yelling in my face, “Fix this, or we will die!” It is time for this fear to die, as I have been keeping it alive through self sacrifice meanwhile believing in the lie that I am not enough.  It’s a bit difficult to just observe this fear in full fledged panic mode with some distance, yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other or drive one more mile to the next unknown.  Everything is alright every time I continue to do this.  If new experiences can tame this primal fear, it should be almost calm.   I know that is only part of the healing.  I must move through this pain with an open heart in order to complete this healing process.  Where does this lie come from?  Does that really matter?  Can I even remember the fear seed that was planted so long ago that has grown into a forest of fear?  Do I need to burn it all down or can I just love where I am in order to shift perspective in this forest of fears?

It is like looking through broken and tainted glasses.  The view is fragmented while my brain is filling in the details with fear.  Take off the glasses and I have the opportunity to a clear view of the truth.  When I can do just that, remove the broken glasses, I see love before me.  I see opportunity and clarity in what really matters to me; which is authentic relationships and actually living my life without fear.  I will not get in trouble for being me.  I will not meet others expectations, yet that is none of my business.  Their expectations belong to them, not me.  The players in my life have changed along the way.  All those who have left permanently needed to, even though it was painful.  Even though it is uncomfortable, I continue to be authentically me as the only thing that comes to mind is,” I don’t know.”  My heart continues to quietly say that “I don’t know” is exactly where I need to be in order for the next chapter to begin.  It is where I need to stay in order to heal.  It is where inspiration is born, where vulnerability is embraced and where fearless living is possible.



Living in the unknown

One Comment for “I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

  • On October 2, 2015 at 8:39 am (Edit) Lori said:
  • So, perfect love casts out fear. There is only one author of perfect love and He died for us to access it. Invite Him in and step into a journey that will give peace, joy, and end you where the one who created you intended:):) what greater joy and accomplishment is there than fulfilling what you were created for. My heart is set on pursuing God via the sacrifice of Jesus who opened the path for me:)♡ because I He who created me is able to bring me into the fullness of my potential and purpose. Love you, breathe that Pacific salt air and enjoy for me:):) check out sequoia park in eureka and see if Bill the gorilla is still there. I grew up watching Bill and last time I was there he was too.
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A day to rest, so says my spirit

The day to rest, so says my spirit

You are here: Home » Inspiration » The day to rest, so says my spirit

Posted on: September 29, 2015 • 0 Comments

The weather in Portland, OR is amazing today!   80+ degrees and sunny.  The Springfield in me would have hit the ground running in order to get in all things touristy, because I have only one day here.  That tends to be how the Springfield family does things!  Well, my spirit had other plans.  I found myself enjoying a leisurely breakfast in a small local restaurant.  That is a rarity in my life.  Yogurt, coffee and a power bar are the staples of a large breakfast.

My personality tried to push in order to go into town for a garden experience.”Okay fine,” says my spirit, “Try to go to the Japanese gardens.”  Of course, they are closed for renovations until spring.  My personality pushes for 1 more garden.  As parking would have it, there was no place to park, anywhere downtown this morning.  FINE, my spirit wins.

I give way and follow my spirit.  I end up in the same small quaint neighborhood I started the day with.  Starbucks for a cup of coffee at a table outside to write and read my newest friend recommended book, The Voice of Knowledge.  Which happens to have the perfect message for me along this journey!  It is all about unlearning of life’s lies in order to live in truth and love.  How random. Not!  Then after visiting a few local shops, my spirit was calling for a nap. My personality yells, “WHAT?  There is only this day to experience Portland!”  I then remember the message from a friend’s pray yesterday was to be still.  I find myself relenting again.  ” Okay, my spirit, you win.”  I returned to my perfect Portland hideaway and slept for a few hours.

Upon awaking I was lead to a lovely walk in the woods followed by a backyard yoga class.  I must confess that this spirit lead day was exactly what I needed.

I have learned that a large city is exciting and enjoyable to visit.  Yet, I much prefer the woods.  Tomorrow I am off to the Redwoods. Perfection!