Letting go

Letting go is scary, especially when it is letting go of something known and comfortable in order to walk towards a dream that doesn’t exist yet.  We have all been there before.  There have been two things that I wanted in the past that simply could never exist together.  As hard as I tried to blend them, my suffering deepened until the moment I realized I had to chose to keep one and let one go.  It sounds simple enough, right?  It’s not, especially when it involves relationships.

I have wanted a sacred relationship for a very long time.  What that means to me is a relationship where both people are fully present when they are together.  They are kind, loving, honest, and considerate and desire to grow as individuals and as a couple.  They are both a safe place for the other.  They proudly stand beside each other along this journey even as it gets messy.  In essence, I am on a quest to find the feeling of home in a relationship.  That place where you are always welcome, safe, encouraged, supported and loved.  Yet this is not a physical place.

I have had many relationships, at times they have been sacred, but have eventually fallen apart.  The suffering for me reaches its peak when I desperately want the sacred relationship with someone specific who simply is not able to be that person with me.  That is the moment when my heartaches the most.  I either try to morph into someone else in an effort to feel love, or I share my desires while they continue to go unmet.

This leads to such struggle, suffering, tears and so many words.  I spend time trying on the long list of “At least he’s not…” or “At least he is…” This only lasts for so long. The suffering reaches a pinnacle and I am crying more than laughing.  I am so done with crying myself to sleep over a man.  Ain’t nobody got time for that shit!  To end my suffering I have to make a choice.  Choose the man in front of me that is not my sacred person or choose the dream of sacred relationship.  I pick the sacred relationship dream every time.  Sometimes I leave the relationship and other times they leave me.  There is sadness at the end of every one of them. Yet I have to say choosing the dream of a sacred relationship that is like home brings hope to my heart eventually!

A trusted advisor asked me to write what I wanted in a relationship and then write why I deserved it.  My love of writing ceased every time I sat down to complete this task.  I put it off for weeks.  The day before the next meeting with my advisor, I sat down with a glass of red wine, turned on music and attacked this project.  Writing what I wanted was easy-ish, for identifying what I DON’T want is simple.  Coming up with why I deserved those things sent my head spinning.  At first, guilt feelings showed up saying, “Maybe you don’t deserve those loving items.” Just behind that, justification showed up to say, “You do those things, isn’t it okay to receive them?” Next, the monkey mind threw in, “What makes you think you deserve anything?  Doesn’t everyone deserve these?  Just because you are nice doesn’t mean you deserve kindness.” I shook my head and said out loud, “Wait a minute!”  Then it came to me, it is our birthright to be happy.  I simply want to be happy and I’d prefer to move through this journey of life with a partner.  Yet it is still happiness I want above all.  We are here to pursue happiness.  That does not mean that all of life is happy, it means we keep driving toward happiness despite what is in our face at the time.  Life is messy yet simple.  Stay true to your heart of hearts and it will all be okay in the end.  We all will find ourselves face down in the dirt along the journey; just remember to get back up and keep taking steps towards your dreams.

I looked to my left as I finished writing all about our collective birthright to find a picture of my mom smiling on a hike out west along the coast of California.  All she wants is for her children to be happy regardless of what it looks like.  All I want for my daughter is for her to be happy.  In the end, it is what all mothers want for their children.  So just let go of what is not in alignment with your dream and happily keep taking steps towards it.

My dream is to be in a sacred relationship.  Until my person finds their way into my life, I will continue to work on a sacred relationship with myself!

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield
Letting it all go

The favorite stray I ever picked up

One fine day I walked into a nail salon to treat myself to a pedicure.  Little did I know that I would meet one of my very favorite strays.  By nature, I am a talker, especially to strangers.  Ladies in the nail salon are typically quietly relaxing with phones, magazines or a book.  One young woman stood out the most, as she had her nose in a book that I recently read by Karin Slaughter.  Karin is a phenomenal author of thriller books that captivate you from the first paragraph.  The book was also a library book which is always a delight to see in the community.

By the time our pedicure was complete this young woman and I were Best Friends Forever.  Her name is Rebecca Phillips.  She has the most striking blue eyes I have ever seen.  I learned that she was an attorney in Greensboro, NC and recently returned to her parents to save money to buy her first home.  The poor woman did not have a chance to get away from my attention and interest in her story.  Her quick wit and sarcasm made me laugh until I cried.

One thing she said to me that day stuck with me, “You like to pick up strays!”  Confused, I asked her what she meant.  She went on to explain, “You seek out people to connect with and then bring them into your tribe so they know that they are welcomed and encouraged.”  I stopped and thought about all of the stories we shared with each other in the past 2 hours, and I realized she was right.  While on any road trip I make friends and include them in my life from then on.  From that point forward Rebecca was part of the Sunday Sushi ritual and was invited to every local event that I was able to attend.  Rebecca was often unavailable.  You see, Rebecca is a person who everyone wanted in their tribe.  There were endless birthday parties, weddings, showers and events that she was included in.  I had the privilege to learn how amazing of a friend she is.

I took a month-long trip out West in September of 2017.  At one of our many sushi nights, I asked if she wanted to play house at my home while I was gone.  She jumped at the opportunity.  In my true hyper-organized fashion, I created a Welcome to my home guide and rules of dog care, since she would be sharing the home with my 2 dogs.  Rebecca laughed at my guide while greatly appreciating my organization skills.  Upon return, I knew something was a bit off with the dogs.  They are not allowed to sleep on the bed with me, but now they lingered on the side while just staring at me. They did the same when I sat on my couch, which they aren’t allowed on either.  To say thank you I took Rebecca out to dinner.  When she arrived at the house before dinner, the dogs went crazy for her.  I asked if by any chance had the dogs snuggled with her on the couch or maybe even on the bed.  She smiled, rolled her eyes sheepishly and looked at the dogs and said, “I thought we had a talk about this before I left.  You were not to tell your mother that I promptly broke all of the rules she set for you the moment she left!  This was to be between you and I.  That is why I washed all of the bedding and blankets I put over the couch so she’d never know”  Again, I was laughing so hard tears came to my eyes.

During dinner, I shared with her the people I met and stories of hiking.  Rebecca smiled and said, “You were picking up those strays again.”  I promptly told her that she was my very favorite stray.

Rebecca went on to start a very creative business in addition to her long work hours as an attorney.  Sadly, our time together dwindled over the past few months.  When I learned that she unexpectedly passed away suddenly on January 27, 2018, my heart broke wide open.  This beautiful person was only 31 years old.  Her life had barely begun in many ways but was so accomplished in other ways.  I will forever be grateful to have had Rebecca in my life.  I simply wish it had been longer, for she was my favorite stray!

Namaste!
Kristin Springfield
Friend
Stray Seeker

My fire is under water

The human spirit is described as fiery, full of energy, strong and resilient.   A few friends of mine have so much inner fire that they often times have to be careful not to set a room, loved ones, or coworkers bursting ino flames.  They are described as spicy, fiery, and sometimes salty.  That inner fire is what allows you to move forward in the face of adversity.  It offers the energy needed to make a change, to be brave, and to take the leap of faith.  I have a rock next to my bed that says “Leap and the net will appear”.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Just keep taking steps even if you can’t see the destination.  The path will reveal itself as you keep moving forward, much like when driving.  I certainly could not see the entrance to Yosemite National Park when I pulled out of my driveway 2 years ago, yet I arrived just the same.  What lights the path to your life journey is that inner fire. Times like this I want to scream, “Bull Shit!”  to all of the positive messages I have displayed around my home.  What do you do when your fire is under water?

There has been a tidal wave of events recently in my life that figuratively not only squelched my inner fire but damn near extinguished it.  These recent life events are certainly not unique to humanity.  We all go through loss, grief, and having the rug of comfort pulled out from under us.  This is simply the first time I have been here with this series of events.  Depression and inner dragons have been a normal part of my life for a VERY long time.  My arsenal of coping techniques is large and well stocked to deal with these dragons under “normal” circumstances.  Yet grief from the loss of a loved one, the loss of unconditional love in dog form, and the loss of relationships has completely kicked my ass and threw me into a tidal wave riddled with riptides.  The fatigue I have recently experienced reminds me of life with an infant.  Only this time there is no one waking me up.

How in the world are we suppose to know what is best for ourselves when our spirit is under water or drowning?  What do you do to get out of the water?  In this case, I have to surrender to this riptide within the tidal wave of events.  In order to survive a riptide, the very first thing you must do is relax and call out for help.  Then you are to swim parallel to the shore and conserve your energy. Finally, you swim diagonally to the shore once you are out of the riptide.  You will be on  shore eventually but in a completely different spot.  When every part of you wants to swim back the way you came in, your mind is freaking out and in full on panic.  How in the do you override that urge?  You have a choice; do what your mind wants and die or surrender.

I surrendered and asked for help in my emotional riptide.  I find myself on the shore of life completely exhausted and coughing up water. Yet, I am relieved, happy and scared all at the same time.  The place inside of me where my internal fire lives is drying out.  I can breathe again while I collect the tinder needed.  This is a process that I find myself frequently saying, “Clearly, I don’t know what is best for me.”  Although I do know what the first steps are.  Actually be kind to myself, give this girl inside me a break, for she has just arrived on shore.  It is going to take time and small steps forward.  I am surprised to experience different small steps.  I desire to sit on the couch holding hands, to go running outside in the cold (I hate to be cold), to draw, and to consider a new way of life that scares the shit out of me. I just keep breathing in and out all day long as my fire pit dries.  I will soon be warmed by my beautiful inner fire, for this I know to be true.  I just have to be patient, which is not my strongest attribute.

I offer a word of caution to those of you who have a loved one in a tidal wave of emotions. They need to be reminded they are loved more than anything.  You can’t fix them, but you can hold their hand and stand beside them as they move through this experience.  Even though it may feel very heavy for you to watch them in this place, don’t abandon them.  If you need a break, tell them honestly.  Just leaving them without any explanation is like shoving their head back under water.

We are stronger than we think.  We are resilient.  Life is hard at times and at other times it feels impossible to keep breathing.  It is in those moments where your true loved ones and friends become obvious.  I am forever grateful for the loved ones in my life.   Support, encouragement, and love show up in surprising places and in ways I never could imagine.

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield
Firestarter