“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down.

“I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

You are here: Home » Inspiration » “I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

Posted on: October 1, 2015 • 1 Comment

“I don’t know.”  Those seem to be the words that continue to bubble up for me.  The emotional charge around them is transforming along this journey.  Prior to starting this trip the words, “I don’t know” would send off in a panic of feeling stupid or inadequate in some way.  If I did not know something that meant I was not prepared or above all going to get in trouble.

Getting into trouble feeling evokes a primal fear where lines become blurred and decisions are skewed.  This blended with the overwhelming message of “I have to do something” is crippling.  Unwinding that has proved to be exhaustively difficult.  I take myself on this journey filled with more unknowns than known, and this feeling repeatedly comes up in order to be healed. For I have quit my known job, left my known town, and am traveling to places I have never been while staying with many people I have never met.   To make it all the more interesting, I have no plans on what I will do for a career or where I will live at the end of this process.  I understand that where I have lived for the past 21 years no longer feeds my soul and it is time to find a new spot to call my own.  All of that may sound exciting, yet it requires me to be courageously authentic with myself.  Even while typing this I can feel the area beneath my skin began to vibrate like I am a trying to shed this skin and feeling.

I have read about the benefits of observing a feeling and creating distance from it while allowing it to pass.  Okay, that’s nice, yet this feeling grips my throat and soul while yelling in my face, “Fix this, or we will die!” It is time for this fear to die, as I have been keeping it alive through self sacrifice meanwhile believing in the lie that I am not enough.  It’s a bit difficult to just observe this fear in full fledged panic mode with some distance, yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other or drive one more mile to the next unknown.  Everything is alright every time I continue to do this.  If new experiences can tame this primal fear, it should be almost calm.   I know that is only part of the healing.  I must move through this pain with an open heart in order to complete this healing process.  Where does this lie come from?  Does that really matter?  Can I even remember the fear seed that was planted so long ago that has grown into a forest of fear?  Do I need to burn it all down or can I just love where I am in order to shift perspective in this forest of fears?

It is like looking through broken and tainted glasses.  The view is fragmented while my brain is filling in the details with fear.  Take off the glasses and I have the opportunity to a clear view of the truth.  When I can do just that, remove the broken glasses, I see love before me.  I see opportunity and clarity in what really matters to me; which is authentic relationships and actually living my life without fear.  I will not get in trouble for being me.  I will not meet others expectations, yet that is none of my business.  Their expectations belong to them, not me.  The players in my life have changed along the way.  All those who have left permanently needed to, even though it was painful.  Even though it is uncomfortable, I continue to be authentically me as the only thing that comes to mind is,” I don’t know.”  My heart continues to quietly say that “I don’t know” is exactly where I need to be in order for the next chapter to begin.  It is where I need to stay in order to heal.  It is where inspiration is born, where vulnerability is embraced and where fearless living is possible.



Living in the unknown

One Comment for “I don’t know”, and the rabbit hole that sends me down

  • On October 2, 2015 at 8:39 am (Edit) Lori said:
  • So, perfect love casts out fear. There is only one author of perfect love and He died for us to access it. Invite Him in and step into a journey that will give peace, joy, and end you where the one who created you intended:):) what greater joy and accomplishment is there than fulfilling what you were created for. My heart is set on pursuing God via the sacrifice of Jesus who opened the path for me:)♡ because I He who created me is able to bring me into the fullness of my potential and purpose. Love you, breathe that Pacific salt air and enjoy for me:):) check out sequoia park in eureka and see if Bill the gorilla is still there. I grew up watching Bill and last time I was there he was too.
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A day to rest, so says my spirit

The day to rest, so says my spirit

You are here: Home » Inspiration » The day to rest, so says my spirit

Posted on: September 29, 2015 • 0 Comments

The weather in Portland, OR is amazing today!   80+ degrees and sunny.  The Springfield in me would have hit the ground running in order to get in all things touristy, because I have only one day here.  That tends to be how the Springfield family does things!  Well, my spirit had other plans.  I found myself enjoying a leisurely breakfast in a small local restaurant.  That is a rarity in my life.  Yogurt, coffee and a power bar are the staples of a large breakfast.

My personality tried to push in order to go into town for a garden experience.”Okay fine,” says my spirit, “Try to go to the Japanese gardens.”  Of course, they are closed for renovations until spring.  My personality pushes for 1 more garden.  As parking would have it, there was no place to park, anywhere downtown this morning.  FINE, my spirit wins.

I give way and follow my spirit.  I end up in the same small quaint neighborhood I started the day with.  Starbucks for a cup of coffee at a table outside to write and read my newest friend recommended book, The Voice of Knowledge.  Which happens to have the perfect message for me along this journey!  It is all about unlearning of life’s lies in order to live in truth and love.  How random. Not!  Then after visiting a few local shops, my spirit was calling for a nap. My personality yells, “WHAT?  There is only this day to experience Portland!”  I then remember the message from a friend’s pray yesterday was to be still.  I find myself relenting again.  ” Okay, my spirit, you win.”  I returned to my perfect Portland hideaway and slept for a few hours.

Upon awaking I was lead to a lovely walk in the woods followed by a backyard yoga class.  I must confess that this spirit lead day was exactly what I needed.

I have learned that a large city is exciting and enjoyable to visit.  Yet, I much prefer the woods.  Tomorrow I am off to the Redwoods. Perfection!



Are you done yet? Nope!

Are you done with this Phase yet? Nope, just getting started!

You are here: Home » Inspiration » Are you done with this Phase yet? Nope, just getting started!

Posted on: September 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

I have been gone from the life I lived in Danville for 22 days now.  My ego and personality are becoming restless.  The internal conversations remind me of what it is like to go through a particular “phase” growing up and your parents or friends becoming tired of it.  The parental part of my brain is saying to my spiritual side,”Okay, now I have had about enough of this shit!  Let’s get back to the way it is suppose to be!”  Interestingly enough, this is not a phase.  This is my life.  There is no turning back in order to make other people comfortable.  There is no going back to being productive in the over responsible self defeating ways of the past.  It is really uncomfortable to sit where I am (in the driver’s seat literally) and claim my personal freedom.

Do you remember any of your awful “phases” growing up?  I sure do!  One in particular stands out to me.  I was in 7th or 8th grade and in the ever challenging time of 13 years old. Skate rate punk was the newest thing on the streets of suburbia.  Well, at least, I thought it was. This was all pre- Seattle grunge.  Being in Seattle reminded me of it, since it still seems to be a thing there even now.  Anyway,  I made a new friend who was dating one of these skate rat punk guys and I thought it was amazing.  I wanted to listen to their music, look like they did, and in essence fit in.  My mom really wasn’t too keen on ragged torn clothes and honestly neither was I.  So, I compromised a bit.  I went for the high top Chuck Taylor shoes, that I still like today.  Instead of the all black and flannel experience, I went for pink pants and a freshly pressed striped shirt that was too long and huge.  Makeup and hair styling was something spectacularly awful.  Let’s just say it was a bit off.  I was busy trying to fit in and missed the point that my friend and her boyfriend liked me just fine before I abandoned the way I looked and moved through the world.  Determined to not give up, I grew to love the different music of Black Flag, Henry Rollins, and Metallica.  My family had a sense of humor and patience about this phase and gifted me with some yellow and red flamed high tops for my birthday as a joke.  I just got rid of them recently as they were worn out!  I never did receive the speech from my parents or family about needing to get over this phase. It was my friends that finally sat me down and told me I looked rather foolish and that they missed me.  When I did return to my previous 80′s fashion, I was delighted to realize my friends were still there.  Afterwards, my mom did confess that she was glad to have that “phase” complete.  (I have no picture with me to share, fortunately, of that particular look.)

What is interesting about this journey right now in my life, I notice that I am returning to myself much like I did in middle school.  The phase I am finally abandoning simply lasted 24 years.


Kristin Springfield

Tree hugger and loving it