Extremely vulnerable post

Here’s to Vulnerability!

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Posted on: September 15, 2015 • 0 Comments

Extreme Vulnerability Post .

I am taking another leap and sharing a glimpse into my personal pit. Today was a tough day emotionally. That is what this trip is supposed to do, heal the heart. Sometimes that is with tears. I stumbled upon an old journal entry from October of 2014. I am so glad that I no longer live in the emotional place described in the post. I am sharing to further connect with you. I hope you find some value in it. Here it goes:


I just want to earth to open up and swallow me. This simply hurts so very much. I feel sadness, despair, defeat, unloved, unacceptable, unwanted, a burden, hated, a nothing. My body feels heavy, tired, slow, lethargic, shaky, cold, headache, tight throat, floating, erupting with tears, and frightened, fragmented, extreme heartache.

What am I feeling? Despair. a great loss. sad. sorrow shaking crying like dying, like my soul is damaged and can’t be loved. Pain. such deep despair, nausea. My body feels sick, tired, in sludge, short of breath, the breath holding. insignificant, invisible, tiny spec of nothing and at same time without borders. It is as though I can feel everything. It all is so much. I just want to shut it out. Too intense.

What am I afraid of? That I will die. That I am so flawed. That I cause others to leave me. That my self is wrong, that I am a mistake. That the real me is unacceptable. I am quickly replaceable. I am afraid that I am so toxic to others that it is destructive to someone to love me. That it is unloving to love me, unhealthy and detrimental to others who love me. The good I offer is extremely overshadowed by the pain I cause by just being me. My existence is dangerous to others.

What do I feel is going to happen? Everyone and everything that I love will leave me. That I will be nothing, alone, on the streets, shunned, reduced to nothing of value to humanity or the planet. That I will become dust and everyone will rejoice. My body feels numb and dead already. My eyes get heavy, my voice becomes quieter. My desire is to be small and invisible for if I am not the world will punish me. The more I show up as me the angrier the world gets. That it unsafe to be me for others and me. For I cause so much disappointment in someone when I am me. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I want to be seen and heard with joy and companionship and support. Yet I can’t get that when I am me. I need to change to please someone else for I am annoying, a disturbance to them. I am too young, lack maturity, lack personal control. Go play alone until you can control yourself. I was the youngest in the entire family by 10 years in my home. I remember that sometimes it felt like I didn’t fit in. I was always behind. That annoying little girl that the parents loved and cousins were quick to be annoyed with. Always trying to catch up. Just couldn’t. Now here I am. All caught up now and on a second divorce. That is not what I wanted when I was trying to catch up!

My heart feels constricted, boxed in and tight. On the front side of my chest it feels like a knife stabbing into the box. Pressure rises and I simply want to be swallowed up by the earth. Pause and focus on breathing in love and light even though it hurts. Just keep breathing into the heart. Even in the Pit I know that I am love, I am loveable, and I am loved. It is sometimes impossible to pause and connect to that when it hurts. No matter what happens, my heart is radiant. I am radiant. I am love. I am light.


Mondays Rock Now!

Mondays Rock Now!

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Posted on: September 14, 2015 • 2 Comments

My very favorite Monday ever!

My first 4-wheeler ride in the beautiful Wyoming occurred last week. It just so happened to be on a Monday. Prior to this trip Mondays were busy, hectic and exhausting. This Monday was emotionally and physically challenging as I navigated a terrain I was not familiar with on a vehicle I operated for about 30 minutes yesterday for the first time. This Monday was invigorating as I hugged new trees, experienced kindness, generosity and support from friends, and as I was one with nature in a new way. It was a perfect day. The air, land, and water are so pure and clean here. I learned to fly fish today right and left handed. I figured that since I did not know how to fly fish, I might as well learn on both arms. I am actually a bit better using my left arm. That does not mean that any fish were caught. I am only referring to the actual movement of the rod.

It has become evident that I am coming the rest of the way undone. Maybe this journey is more about unbecoming everything I thought I was supposed to be that really is not me. I have found that I love a new way to be one with the outdoors; 4 wheeling, and fly-fishing. I just like to be outside in the fresh air and quiet. Sitting on the dry rocks in the midst of a stream bring such peace. As I look all around me, the beauty of God resonates everywhere, and at last, my mind quiets. There is not a struggle for joy. There is no searching for an answer. It is just loving, calming, and in the now. As I further release the past, I am more equipped to be present. The past is similar to chains. I have the key to the lock to release the chains. It feels so good to let them go.

Yes, my heart still aches for what I thought life would be like. It is almost annoying. Let’s get real with my self for a minute here! I have quit a secure job and decided to take care of myself first with money I have saved for the past 20 years. I would have never given myself permission to do this if it were not hitting the bottom of the pit. Within the struggle, I realized that I have nothing left to lose that matters. I want to unbecome the parts of me that no longer fit. I want to unbecome the expectations of my self and others. I want to be the very best me and allow all others to do the same, no matter what that looks like. I have not a clue as to what the future will hold for me. That is okay, for what I see in front of me right now is spectacular!

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Driving through the time of your life

Driving through the time of your life

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Posted on: September 9, 2015 • 0 Comments

Where do you find your mind taking you?  Do your thoughts take you to the past, present, or future?  If it is the past, do you find yourself picking apart every detail?  Ever notice how you then can further beat yourself up for choices that you can no longer change because they are in the past.  They have already happened and can’t be returned into the present; the NOW.  Or maybe you prefer to think of the future.  You may think about what is necessary in your life to finally be happy.  Goals are one thing, but postponing happiness is altogether something different.

Where does the present or NOW come into focus?  If you are using now to rehash the past there is nothing left for now.  If you are someone withholding joy until you have a certain job, car, home, are married, have kids, retire, or any other array of things, where is the space for now?  It seems to slip through your fingers, so to speak.

Think about this as though you are driving a car.  The car represents your life.  When facing forward you have a large windshield to look through.  This allows you to see what is right in front of you; or the now.  When driving in the dark you have bright headlights, high beams, and even windshield wipers to obtain an optimal view of what is right in front of you.

Your personal GPS would represent the future.  The screen sizes vary, as do the amount of direction it gives you.  Nonetheless, the display on your GPS is much smaller in comparison to the windshield.  If you are completely focused on looking at the GPS you are missing the beauty of the NOW.  I have seen many beautiful skies while looking out the windshield.  Not even once have I seen such beauty on my GPS screen.

Using the same example of the car, your past would be represented by the mirrors.  Cars have 2 small side view mirrors, a rear view mirror, and even smaller back up lights in which to guide you.  This view of the past is limited to say the least.  If you were to drive forward while only paying attention to the rear view mirrors how could you possibly navigate safely through what is right in front of you; the NOW?  Not only are you likely to crash the car, you are likely to miss out on valuable information.  While you were using the present time to focus only on what is behind, you missed the beautiful opportunities that were right in front of you in full view.  Of course if you wait long enough the present becomes the past.  Once those lovely things from the present are in the past, you again are only viewing a fraction of the information that was there in the NOW..

Take a moment to notice where you naturally focus your thoughts. You may recognize that you focus on the past, or are postponing your joy for the future.  You can change your world with your thoughts. .Consider staying present today, in this moment called NOW, and enjoy it!

Here’s to looking out the front window and taking in the beauty life has to offer!


Kristin Springfield Saunders

Visionary Enthusiast

Advocate for your Highest Self

Grateful woman

Empowering puberty

Creative Extraordinaire