Yesterday I left my Sioux Falls home. Tears flowed as I pulled away. Having yearned for the feeling of home for so long, finding it and then I just left it. What the hell is wrong with me? Granted the invitation is there for me to come back. It was also a wonderful snapshot in time and was never meant to be forever. Is anything meant to be forever? Except being with ourselves, of course. I am beginning to think this life path is all about coming home to ourselves and loving ourselves to pieces just as we are. I am getting there; if that is the purpose. Honestly, what I want more than anything is a partnership, and I have them in very different ways. Maybe I have been looking at the closed door of a romantic partnership so long that I forgot to turn around to see all of the other open doors and windows. So far the partnerships seem to magically show up and stay for a mysterious amount of time and then vanish. Yet these partnerships are not romantic.
May 4th, I pulled up to my Sioux Falls home without any expectation just filled with hope and delight. Within 15 minutes of meeting Jess and Tom, they decided to keep Journey and me for the summer. I was selected, chosen, invited and included. All of the things I have been begging the universe for simply showed up in a completely unexpected way. Here, I have been looking for this experience in a romantic relationship, which clearly has not shown up and is probably the best thing for me in this phase of life. I just can’t believe I left. Sure I can say it was time to move on and that I have another job awaiting me in a place that I chose to spend my winter. But in this case, it is me that left this incredible place and feeling not someone leaving me.
Jess and Tom gave me a gift that I was to open later, which was a good thing. The card and necklace touched my heart in a way that immediately made me sob. Being truly seen, witnessed, heard and enjoyed authentically has been a struggle for a great many years. I have a gift when it comes to not allowing myself to feel that kind of love in my direction, especially for my goofy authentic self. Somewhere along the path of this life, I agreed with the false belief that I am not worthy and certainly not good enough to receive love. As I bust apart that ridiculous lie, love comes rushing in from all angles. I am so grateful for all of this love, but I have to admit, I lack experience in knowing how to stand still and absorb it. I get squeamish and have a difficult time making direct eye contact as incredible words are said to me. I just keep opening my heart with my eyes wide open in order to absorb every morsel of love. Just bear with me as I am still learning. There is a part of me that just wants to shake my shoulders while saying, “Get it through your thick head, YOU ARE LOVED and are WORTHY! Now get busy letting it in!!”
So here I am in another magical place, Circle View Guest Ranch, where I am loved by people and Jack, the Jackass. I am greeted with hugs from humans and nuzzle kisses from the Donkey. My heart just sings even louder as I let this love in. My time off in between assignments is about collecting love from friends in preparation for finding my beloved Arizona family. They are out there and will magically show up in a completely different and unexpected way. The only requirement for me is to be me with my heart open. Sounds easy enough right? Yikes!
The connection shows up as needed, I suppose. Just last night I sat out on the patio watching the incredible sunset. My plan was to stay outside to stargaze. As the sky began to transition from sunset to stargazing, two other guests came over and asked to join me. We stayed out late talking and laughing all about growing up in the 70s and 80s. It felt amazing to laugh and carry on about “The Old Days” before the internet and struggles that modern children will never have. Who remembers calling information (#411) and asking school work questions to an actual human? Google took the place of that. What about the struggle of phone privacy with a landline and a 25-foot long cord to hide in a closet so you could talk with your boyfriend? I completely forgot about calling a specific number for the time and temperature. It was an amazing connection that magically ended as they drove off this morning on their adventure.
I am finding home in moments rather than physical places. Maybe I am finally onto something. Could it be peace? The greatest part about this phase in life is I am finally learning that you never really leave home, for the feeling is always within you.
Thank you so much to Jess, Tom, Jack the Jackass, The Kruse family and fellow guests for coming into my life to remind me of home and worthiness of love!