The book of faces has this wonderful and awful feature called Memories. It is hard to believe how long I have been posting pictures and stories on Facebook! In 2014, I was in one of the darkest times of my life. During my first cross country trip of 2015, I shared a personal journal entry that is filled with honest yet raw emotions of that dark time in 2014. At the time I shared the journal entry on my blog, I knew I had grown a great deal as a result of that dark time, but there was so much more healing needed. Yet now, 3 years later, my life is better than I could have ever imagined. Yes, there are still dark days, and sadness, but the gratitude in my life radiates. My inner love and joy is no longer under attack by others or by myself.
I crave sacred relationships where compassion, authenticity, love, kindness and room to grow as an individual thrive. Having that style of relationships is not reserved only for romantic partnerships. I strive to surround myself in those types of relationships in all aspects of my life, and have been more successful than not in doing so. What this Love Myself A Bit More tour has shown me is, the most valuable relationship is the one I have with myself. It is my job to protect the sacredness of that relationship and truly show up for my highest self in ways I never have before. In the past, my belief was that I needed to be in a romantic relationship to be fulfilled as a human being. Of course, I want one, but no longer require one to feel whole. Learning how to cherish my highest self has allowed the Universe to remove a bunch of the bull shit in my life. Finally, I am learning to get out of my own way! It is disheartening to experience people leaving my life, but I focus on setting them free, as well as myself, in order for us to find our best partners. I have come a long way in 3 years, and look forward to what life will look like in the future.
In effort to remain ridiculously vulnerable, here is the original journal entry from 3 years ago. It is a testament that everything is temporary! My life is a beautiful mess that is in perfect process, and I love it.
09/12/14 Journal of Kristin
I just want to earth to open up and swallow me. This simply hurts so very much. I feel sadness, despair, defeat, unloved, unacceptable, unwanted, a burden, hated, a nothing. My body feels heavy, tired, slow, lethargic, shaky, cold, headache, tight throat, floating, erupting with tears, and frightened, fragmented, extreme heartache.
What am I feeling? Despair. a great loss. sad. sorrow shaking crying like dying, like my soul is damaged and can’t be loved. Pain. such deep despair, nausea. My body feels sick, tired, in sludge, short of breath, the breath holding. insignificant, invisible, tiny spec of nothing and at same time without borders. It is as though I can feel everything. It all is so much. I just want to shut it out. Too intense.
What am I afraid of? That I will die. That I am so flawed. That I cause others to leave me. That my self is wrong, that I am a mistake. That the real me is unacceptable. I am quickly replaceable. I am afraid that I am so toxic to others that it is destructive to someone to love me. That it is unloving to love me, unhealthy and detrimental to others who love me. The good I offer is extremely overshadowed by the pain I cause by just being me. My existence is dangerous to others.
What do I feel is going to happen? Everyone and everything that I love will leave me. That I will be nothing, alone, on the streets, shunned, reduced to nothing of value to humanity or the planet. That I will become dust and everyone will rejoice. My body feels numb and dead already. My eyes get heavy, my voice becomes quieter. My desire is to be small and invisible for if I am not, the world will punish me. The more I show up as me, the angrier the world gets. That it unsafe to be me for others and me. For I cause so much disappointment in someone when I am me. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I want to be seen and heard with joy and companionship and support. Yet I can’t get that when I am me. I need to change to please someone else for I am annoying, a disturbance to them. I am too young, lack maturity, lack personal control. Go play alone until you can control yourself. I was the youngest in the entire family by 10 years in my home. I remember that sometimes it felt like I didn’t fit in. I was always behind. That annoying little girl that the parents loved and cousins were quick to be annoyed with. Always trying to catch up. Just couldn’t. Now here I am. All caught up now and on a second divorce. That is not what I wanted when I was trying to catch up!
My heart feels constricted, boxed in and tight. On the front side of my chest it feels like a knife stabbing into the box. Pressure rises and I simply want to be swallowed up by the earth. Pause and focus on breathing in love and light even though it hurts. Just keep breathing into the heart. Even in the Pit I know that I am love, I am lovable, and I am loved. It is sometimes impossible to pause and connect to that when it hurts. No matter what happens, my heart is radiant. I am radiant. I am love. I am light.
Loving right now
Perfectly in Process
Everything is Temporary