Leaving home

Yesterday I left my Sioux Falls home.  Tears flowed as I pulled away.  Having yearned for the feeling of home for so long, finding it and then I just left it.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Granted the invitation is there for me to come back.  It was also a wonderful snapshot in time and was never meant to be forever.  Is anything meant to be forever?  Except being with ourselves, of course.  I am beginning to think this life path is all about coming home to ourselves and loving ourselves to pieces just as we are.  I am getting there; if that is the purpose.  Honestly, what I want more than anything is a partnership, and I have them in very different ways. Maybe I have been looking at the closed door of a romantic partnership so long that I forgot to turn around to see all of the other open doors and windows.  So far the partnerships seem to magically show up and stay for a mysterious amount of time and then vanish.  Yet these partnerships are not romantic.

May 4th, I pulled up to my Sioux Falls home without any expectation just filled with hope and delight.  Within 15 minutes of meeting Jess and Tom, they decided to keep Journey and me for the summer.  I was selected, chosen, invited and included.  All of the things I have been begging the universe for simply showed up in a completely unexpected way.  Here, I have been looking for this experience in a romantic relationship, which clearly has not shown up and is probably the best thing for me in this phase of life.  I just can’t believe I left.  Sure I can say it was time to move on and that I have another job awaiting me in a place that I chose to spend my winter.  But in this case, it is me that left this incredible place and feeling not someone leaving me.

Jess and Tom gave me a gift that I was to open later, which was a good thing.  The card and necklace touched my heart in a way that immediately made me sob. Being truly seen, witnessed, heard and enjoyed authentically has been a struggle for a great many years.  I have a gift when it comes to not allowing myself to feel that kind of love in my direction, especially for my goofy authentic self.  Somewhere along the path of this life,  I agreed with the false belief that I am not worthy and certainly not good enough to receive love.  As I bust apart that ridiculous lie, love comes rushing in from all angles.  I am so grateful for all of this love, but I have to admit, I lack experience in knowing how to stand still and absorb it.  I get squeamish and have a difficult time making direct eye contact as incredible words are said to me.  I just keep opening my heart with my eyes wide open in order to absorb every morsel of love.  Just bear with me as I am still learning.  There is a part of me that just wants to shake my shoulders while saying, “Get it through your thick head, YOU ARE LOVED and are WORTHY!  Now get busy letting it in!!”

So here I am in another magical place, Circle View Guest Ranch, where I am loved by people and Jack, the Jackass.  I am greeted with hugs from humans and nuzzle kisses from the Donkey.  My heart just sings even louder as I let this love in.  My time off in between assignments is about collecting love from friends in preparation for finding my beloved Arizona family.  They are out there and will magically show up in a completely different and unexpected way.  The only requirement for me is to be me with my heart open.  Sounds easy enough right?  Yikes!

The connection shows up as needed, I suppose.  Just last night I sat out on the patio watching the incredible sunset.  My plan was to stay outside to stargaze.  As the sky began to transition from sunset to stargazing, two other guests came over and asked to join me.  We stayed out late talking and laughing all about growing up in the 70s and 80s.  It felt amazing to laugh and carry on about “The Old Days”  before the internet and struggles that modern children will never have.  Who remembers calling information (#411) and asking school work questions to an actual human?  Google took the place of that. What about the struggle of phone privacy with a landline and a 25-foot long cord to hide in a closet so you could talk with your boyfriend?  I completely forgot about calling a specific number for the time and temperature.  It was an amazing connection that magically ended as they drove off this morning on their adventure.

I am finding home in moments rather than physical places.  Maybe I am finally onto something.  Could it be peace?  The greatest part about this phase in life is I am finally learning that you never really leave home, for the feeling is always within you.

Thank you so much to Jess, Tom, Jack the Jackass, The Kruse family and fellow guests for coming into my life to remind me of home and worthiness of love!

Truly,

Kristin

 

Where does home live?

Where does home live?  I have been lost for a while, and made the mistake of attaching the feeling of home to a person.  I also attached love and happiness to people outside of myself.  People and situations are simply reflections of what is inside of me.  Home is the feeling that I am awakening to and its actual address, despite who is or isn’t in my life.

Reclaiming my power has been a journey  I committed myself to about 10 years ago.  I have discovered that love, joy, home, and happiness all live within me.  Sadness and suffering live there too.  I believed that everything else could leave me and I would still have “home” if, this one person didn’t leave. The family I thought I would have for the rest of my lifetime ended 3 years ago.  My physical address changed and many of my relationships transformed since I dedicated myself to healing.  People have either left my life completely, the essence of the relationships that stayed drastically changed, or they are brand new people.  I was hoping that the relationship with one person would be insulated from this process.    

When the shift to love myself fully occurred within me, everything external eventually would have to shift.  It may take awhile but I knew at some level, every relationship would have to change. The relationship with me is what set in motion this metamorphosis of life.  You see, once I started to fall in love with this wildly messy, beautiful being that is perfectly in process, I wanted to get to know that part of me better.  I wanted to see what fed my soul and do more of that.  I love to run, but the motivation behind running is different now. Rather than running away from the storm that is in front of me, I now move towards it.  In the act of going through the storm is where the true healing exists.  For in the center of the storm, is where I find God, peace and awareness.  

I am at my best in the woods, on long road trips, laughing with friends and dancing around the living room.  I now take care of me in all of those ways and many more.  I had the energetic tattoo of “Sucker” removed from my forehead,  and picked myself up from being the doormat only to discover the key to love is right under my feet.  I radiate joy and deep emotions all the while, I am dedicated to learning to be strong and lovingly authentic in order to create sacred relationships.  Everyday is different and some run smoother than others.  Each step is worth it, even the painful ones.

People will do what they want.  They always do.   Controlling another person is an illusion that does not last.  Previously, I wanted my external life to heal my inner life.  That is not possible, since the external world reflects to us what we believe about ourselves and life.  All of the beautiful and painful aspects that exist in life have not changed since I dedicated myself to healing 10 years ago.  I simply now recognize that beauty is everywhere, even in the pain.  People are not anti-Kristin (or others), they are pro-themselves.  Authentic and vulnerable conversations concerning our own actions take a level of awareness, compassion, courage and empathy that may take decades to develop.  Remembering that as significant relationships in my life evolve is important and challenging.  Much to my surprise a key relationship that represented “home” has also transformed drastically, just not in the way I imagined.  Ellen DeGeneres said, “When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in.”  This shift allowed me to let an enormous amount of light into my heart.  It also gave me the courage to stand up for myself with loving compassion for everyone involved while establishing boundaries.  The experience has gifted me the opportunity to remember the value in giving others space to live life as they desire.  I surrender completely, and do not claim to know what is best for anyone other than me.  As a result of this, I return to my inner home!  There is no place I’d rather be remembering all that lives inside me.

Namaste!

Kristin

Home Safe