The effects of ghosting

When my heart breaks, I find my self wondering, “How wide will it break open until there is nothing left?”  There is this new phenomenon in dating called Ghosting.  It is when someone who is in your life suddenly stops all communication without any warning.  Of course, we become disinterested in others or decide we no longer want to see them, usually, there is an awkward conversation to let the other person know.  That is human nature, yet ghosting is where the person simply vanishes.  Calls aren’t answered.  Texts receive no response.  You simply never hear from them or see them again.  It is as though the Universe magically places someone special in your life and then just as magically, they vanish.

I met someone I truly enjoyed spending time with.  He magically appeared in my life, swept me off my feet and vanished.  The fall from that height hurts like hell.  I was doing just fine with both feet on the ground, why pick me up just to leave me hanging in the wind with only one direction to go; down?  I solemnly confirm that gravity is still in full effect as a law of nature.  These bruises are just on the inside.  Ghosting leaves you to fold in on yourself like a cheap lawn chair and stay there for a while in the dark to catalog all of your real and imagined flaws.  It brings with it every abandonment issue possible for me. It invites the mind to spin out of control with a great desire to “fix it”.  I would damn near do anything to stop feeling so awful.  I am a doer by nature, and in this place, it is important to focus on being and grieving.  A wonderful mentor reminded me that I could not use my “tools” to outrun grief, “You just have to allow yourself to feel it.”  Uggh!  I asked for another solution and received none.  I would much rather run, hike, write, meditate and tap this away.  Yet, I can’t.  So I meet myself in grief with an effort to be loving and patient with myself.

Shit I never wanted to look at again is right in my face. There are no answers and there never will be.  That is how this works.  This kind of disappointment feels so much like the first heartbreak you ever felt when you were 15 years old. It is raw, dark and there is nothing anyone else can do for you to fix it.  There is nothing to do, except pick my self up and move forward.  My goal is to refrain from running, stuffing down or avoiding these feelings while at the same time not allow my self to circle the drain of despair.  Quite honestly, I can’t afford the weight loss that comes with this kind of experience!

Public service announcement:  Do Not ghost someone.  You have no idea what they are going through or where it will send them.  Just have the courage to tell someone you are not interested.  It is okay to end a relationship; we all have if we are over the age of 15.  Silence speaks volumes and sometimes it speaks lies and leaves a soul wondering.  Ending a relationship is not easy, and that is okay.  Leaving someone without any warning or information is simply cruel, heartless and cowardly.  Be brave, and speak the truth with decency.  Remember we are all doing the very best we can trying to heal our own hearts.  This ghosting experience simply hurts at a level that doesn’t make sense to my mind.  This too shall pass and all will be right within; it simply is not at this moment.

Breathing in and out all day long,

Kristin

 

My fire is under water

The human spirit is described as fiery, full of energy, strong and resilient.   A few friends of mine have so much inner fire that they often times have to be careful not to set a room, loved ones, or coworkers bursting ino flames.  They are described as spicy, fiery, and sometimes salty.  That inner fire is what allows you to move forward in the face of adversity.  It offers the energy needed to make a change, to be brave, and to take the leap of faith.  I have a rock next to my bed that says “Leap and the net will appear”.  Sounds simple enough, right?  Just keep taking steps even if you can’t see the destination.  The path will reveal itself as you keep moving forward, much like when driving.  I certainly could not see the entrance to Yosemite National Park when I pulled out of my driveway 2 years ago, yet I arrived just the same.  What lights the path to your life journey is that inner fire. Times like this I want to scream, “Bull Shit!”  to all of the positive messages I have displayed around my home.  What do you do when your fire is under water?

There has been a tidal wave of events recently in my life that figuratively not only squelched my inner fire but damn near extinguished it.  These recent life events are certainly not unique to humanity.  We all go through loss, grief, and having the rug of comfort pulled out from under us.  This is simply the first time I have been here with this series of events.  Depression and inner dragons have been a normal part of my life for a VERY long time.  My arsenal of coping techniques is large and well stocked to deal with these dragons under “normal” circumstances.  Yet grief from the loss of a loved one, the loss of unconditional love in dog form, and the loss of relationships has completely kicked my ass and threw me into a tidal wave riddled with riptides.  The fatigue I have recently experienced reminds me of life with an infant.  Only this time there is no one waking me up.

How in the world are we suppose to know what is best for ourselves when our spirit is under water or drowning?  What do you do to get out of the water?  In this case, I have to surrender to this riptide within the tidal wave of events.  In order to survive a riptide, the very first thing you must do is relax and call out for help.  Then you are to swim parallel to the shore and conserve your energy. Finally, you swim diagonally to the shore once you are out of the riptide.  You will be on  shore eventually but in a completely different spot.  When every part of you wants to swim back the way you came in, your mind is freaking out and in full on panic.  How in the do you override that urge?  You have a choice; do what your mind wants and die or surrender.

I surrendered and asked for help in my emotional riptide.  I find myself on the shore of life completely exhausted and coughing up water. Yet, I am relieved, happy and scared all at the same time.  The place inside of me where my internal fire lives is drying out.  I can breathe again while I collect the tinder needed.  This is a process that I find myself frequently saying, “Clearly, I don’t know what is best for me.”  Although I do know what the first steps are.  Actually be kind to myself, give this girl inside me a break, for she has just arrived on shore.  It is going to take time and small steps forward.  I am surprised to experience different small steps.  I desire to sit on the couch holding hands, to go running outside in the cold (I hate to be cold), to draw, and to consider a new way of life that scares the shit out of me. I just keep breathing in and out all day long as my fire pit dries.  I will soon be warmed by my beautiful inner fire, for this I know to be true.  I just have to be patient, which is not my strongest attribute.

I offer a word of caution to those of you who have a loved one in a tidal wave of emotions. They need to be reminded they are loved more than anything.  You can’t fix them, but you can hold their hand and stand beside them as they move through this experience.  Even though it may feel very heavy for you to watch them in this place, don’t abandon them.  If you need a break, tell them honestly.  Just leaving them without any explanation is like shoving their head back under water.

We are stronger than we think.  We are resilient.  Life is hard at times and at other times it feels impossible to keep breathing.  It is in those moments where your true loved ones and friends become obvious.  I am forever grateful for the loved ones in my life.   Support, encouragement, and love show up in surprising places and in ways I never could imagine.

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield
Firestarter