When my heart breaks, I find my self wondering, “How wide will it break open until there is nothing left?” There is this new phenomenon in dating called Ghosting. It is when someone who is in your life suddenly stops all communication without any warning. Of course, we become disinterested in others or decide we no longer want to see them, usually, there is an awkward conversation to let the other person know. That is human nature, yet ghosting is where the person simply vanishes. Calls aren’t answered. Texts receive no response. You simply never hear from them or see them again. It is as though the Universe magically places someone special in your life and then just as magically, they vanish.
I met someone I truly enjoyed spending time with. He magically appeared in my life, swept me off my feet and vanished. The fall from that height hurts like hell. I was doing just fine with both feet on the ground, why pick me up just to leave me hanging in the wind with only one direction to go; down? I solemnly confirm that gravity is still in full effect as a law of nature. These bruises are just on the inside. Ghosting leaves you to fold in on yourself like a cheap lawn chair and stay there for a while in the dark to catalog all of your real and imagined flaws. It brings with it every abandonment issue possible for me. It invites the mind to spin out of control with a great desire to “fix it”. I would damn near do anything to stop feeling so awful. I am a doer by nature, and in this place, it is important to focus on being and grieving. A wonderful mentor reminded me that I could not use my “tools” to outrun grief, “You just have to allow yourself to feel it.” Uggh! I asked for another solution and received none. I would much rather run, hike, write, meditate and tap this away. Yet, I can’t. So I meet myself in grief with an effort to be loving and patient with myself.
Shit I never wanted to look at again is right in my face. There are no answers and there never will be. That is how this works. This kind of disappointment feels so much like the first heartbreak you ever felt when you were 15 years old. It is raw, dark and there is nothing anyone else can do for you to fix it. There is nothing to do, except pick my self up and move forward. My goal is to refrain from running, stuffing down or avoiding these feelings while at the same time not allow my self to circle the drain of despair. Quite honestly, I can’t afford the weight loss that comes with this kind of experience!
Public service announcement: Do Not ghost someone. You have no idea what they are going through or where it will send them. Just have the courage to tell someone you are not interested. It is okay to end a relationship; we all have if we are over the age of 15. Silence speaks volumes and sometimes it speaks lies and leaves a soul wondering. Ending a relationship is not easy, and that is okay. Leaving someone without any warning or information is simply cruel, heartless and cowardly. Be brave, and speak the truth with decency. Remember we are all doing the very best we can trying to heal our own hearts. This ghosting experience simply hurts at a level that doesn’t make sense to my mind. This too shall pass and all will be right within; it simply is not at this moment.
Breathing in and out all day long,