One power: Love

During my last week off, I spent 3 days on an emotional healing retreat in Sedona before settling into my winter home in Sierra Vista.  I spent time in guided meditation and other amazing types of healing sessions all centered on letting go of residual emotional garbage that continues to replay in my mind regardless of my efforts.  Something clicked this time; there is only one power worth investing in, and that is Love!

Three years ago I quit life, got in my car and drove across the country with the purpose to hug trees and love myself again.  It was a wildly successful trip, yet healing a lifetime of self-depreciating beliefs takes more than one road trip to rewrite loving messages across my heart, soul, and mind. I gifted myself with 4 days of healing with Inner Journeys on that 2015 trip.  Returning to Inner Journeys on this particular trip of 2018 felt kind of like coming home.  It is always easier to work with trusted healers after they already understand your brand of “messed up”.

The resonating message during this retreat revolved around my lack of feeling safe and worthy of love, help, companionship, etc.  For those of you who understand chakras, my root chakra was in dire straits.  During a session, I shared that frequently I feel as though I’m hovering above my bed and that I have to remind myself that it is okay to allow the bed/floor/earth to hold me.  It was not so surprising to realize, that I am in constant fight or flight mode.  A go-to technique for me to find peace is physical exhaustion.  You pick the physical activity that I possess the skills for and I will do it until I have nothing left; yoga, running, cycling, hiking, and dancing.  If I am not sweating, it isn’t “enough”. I am able to understand this underlying insane drive and chose to do something different.

I am a Human Being, not a Human Doing. Being requires nothing of me other than to be me, oh and breathe.  Learning more specific meditation tailored to me proved to be profound.  Yet understanding and embracing there is only one power, LOVE, is the game changer.  My focus, energy, thoughts, and beliefs have been divided between Fear and Love.  More often than not, Fear received all of my attention with the hope that one day I would conquer the Fear and then Love would win.  Well, that is not how it works.  I had it backward.  Love is the only power worth my time, effort and energy. Then and only then will Fear fall away.

Choosing Love over Fear is simple to say and embrace when in the safety of my room or in the blissful Sedona environment.  Yet, step outside of Sedona and watch what happens.  The micro decisions made all day long prove to be harder than you realize!  All is fine with focusing on Love with ease until you are lost in the woods, literally.

Just yesterday I took my first hike in Sierra Vista, AZ.  According to my trusty hiking app, this particular canyon hike was to be a 5-mile loop.  Well, that loop turned into a 9 mile vaguely looped unmarked ending with hopes to find the car.  Now that is when it took everything I had inside of me to feed Love, not Fear.  I had water, snacks, a tracker with an SOS button if I got into real trouble, good hiking shoes, no injuries so I kept going.  Eventually, I was going downhill and found a house at the beginning of a road with a light on.  As Journey and I walked up to the house soaked because it had been raining for the past hour and a half, I had to work to choose Love.  I found myself giggling at the sight we must be when a woman nervously answered the door.  I wonder what she chose, Love or Fear.  All I wanted to know was where we were.  Fortunately, we were on the same road as our car according to the last directions I used on Google.  Sadly we were at 33 on the house numbers and our car was at 799.    Continuing to choose Love, we ran and walked along the street to our car and arrived before dark.  Safely making it home we were just in time for chicken soup.  The maps for the area have been downloaded to my Garmin, my housemates’ numbers are in my contacts, and we are ready for our next hike.

Embracing Love rather than Fear kept me much calmer, allowed me to talk a LOT to God along the hike, and kept me grounded during the whole experience.  Today I explored a nearby town, Bisbee.  Being unfamiliar with that area as well, I connected with shopkeepers and followed their advice.  I wandered around aimlessly most of the afternoon.  Much to my surprise, I was more relaxed because there were people around to ask for ideas and directions at every turn.  Continuing to choose Love gifted me with the opportunity to be completely present in each moment of my day.  It was nothing short of heavenly!

Choosing LOVE,

Kristin

Forever student

Leaving home

Yesterday I left my Sioux Falls home.  Tears flowed as I pulled away.  Having yearned for the feeling of home for so long, finding it and then I just left it.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Granted the invitation is there for me to come back.  It was also a wonderful snapshot in time and was never meant to be forever.  Is anything meant to be forever?  Except being with ourselves, of course.  I am beginning to think this life path is all about coming home to ourselves and loving ourselves to pieces just as we are.  I am getting there; if that is the purpose.  Honestly, what I want more than anything is a partnership, and I have them in very different ways. Maybe I have been looking at the closed door of a romantic partnership so long that I forgot to turn around to see all of the other open doors and windows.  So far the partnerships seem to magically show up and stay for a mysterious amount of time and then vanish.  Yet these partnerships are not romantic.

May 4th, I pulled up to my Sioux Falls home without any expectation just filled with hope and delight.  Within 15 minutes of meeting Jess and Tom, they decided to keep Journey and me for the summer.  I was selected, chosen, invited and included.  All of the things I have been begging the universe for simply showed up in a completely unexpected way.  Here, I have been looking for this experience in a romantic relationship, which clearly has not shown up and is probably the best thing for me in this phase of life.  I just can’t believe I left.  Sure I can say it was time to move on and that I have another job awaiting me in a place that I chose to spend my winter.  But in this case, it is me that left this incredible place and feeling not someone leaving me.

Jess and Tom gave me a gift that I was to open later, which was a good thing.  The card and necklace touched my heart in a way that immediately made me sob. Being truly seen, witnessed, heard and enjoyed authentically has been a struggle for a great many years.  I have a gift when it comes to not allowing myself to feel that kind of love in my direction, especially for my goofy authentic self.  Somewhere along the path of this life,  I agreed with the false belief that I am not worthy and certainly not good enough to receive love.  As I bust apart that ridiculous lie, love comes rushing in from all angles.  I am so grateful for all of this love, but I have to admit, I lack experience in knowing how to stand still and absorb it.  I get squeamish and have a difficult time making direct eye contact as incredible words are said to me.  I just keep opening my heart with my eyes wide open in order to absorb every morsel of love.  Just bear with me as I am still learning.  There is a part of me that just wants to shake my shoulders while saying, “Get it through your thick head, YOU ARE LOVED and are WORTHY!  Now get busy letting it in!!”

So here I am in another magical place, Circle View Guest Ranch, where I am loved by people and Jack, the Jackass.  I am greeted with hugs from humans and nuzzle kisses from the Donkey.  My heart just sings even louder as I let this love in.  My time off in between assignments is about collecting love from friends in preparation for finding my beloved Arizona family.  They are out there and will magically show up in a completely different and unexpected way.  The only requirement for me is to be me with my heart open.  Sounds easy enough right?  Yikes!

The connection shows up as needed, I suppose.  Just last night I sat out on the patio watching the incredible sunset.  My plan was to stay outside to stargaze.  As the sky began to transition from sunset to stargazing, two other guests came over and asked to join me.  We stayed out late talking and laughing all about growing up in the 70s and 80s.  It felt amazing to laugh and carry on about “The Old Days”  before the internet and struggles that modern children will never have.  Who remembers calling information (#411) and asking school work questions to an actual human?  Google took the place of that. What about the struggle of phone privacy with a landline and a 25-foot long cord to hide in a closet so you could talk with your boyfriend?  I completely forgot about calling a specific number for the time and temperature.  It was an amazing connection that magically ended as they drove off this morning on their adventure.

I am finding home in moments rather than physical places.  Maybe I am finally onto something.  Could it be peace?  The greatest part about this phase in life is I am finally learning that you never really leave home, for the feeling is always within you.

Thank you so much to Jess, Tom, Jack the Jackass, The Kruse family and fellow guests for coming into my life to remind me of home and worthiness of love!

Truly,

Kristin

 

Life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you.

I experience a rainbow of emotions as I return from my daughter’s college graduation.  Where in the world did the time go?  I swear it was just last week that she held my hand everywhere we went and called me Momma loudly and proudly.  It is such a gift to watch this precious woman spread her wings as she creates her own life.  It is a life that is uniquely hers.  I could never have imagined where her life dreams would take her.  When she was 3 she desperately wanted to be a whale keeper and that stuck until she learned that her cooking was loved by everyone around the age of 14.  She bravely followed her dream in the world of culinary nutrition.  She has lived in more places during the past 3 years than I have lived in my 45 years on the planet, and she’s just getting started.  I see the sparkle in her eyes as she embraces her friends and loved one in the area of the country where she made her home.  I am in awe of this woman who stands before me.  She is human and learning to parent herself as many of us did or still are.  The transition to adulthood is exciting, exhausting and emotionally challenging.  As it is the time in life when you must make choices for yourself.

I entered into marriage and parenthood early in my adulthood.   My pattern continues to be filled with nurturing others, taking on tasks that somehow are easier for me because of my swift actions and lack of procrastination. Due to that I struggle with boundaries to protect the precious limited resource of my energy.  There needs to be a deposit the equals the withdrawals in emotional energy for all of us.  I have a pretty deep well of energy and neglect to pay attention to the signals of limited supply that my heart and body give me.  Burn out lead me to quit life for 7 months in 2015.  Here it is 2017 and I see some signals of my well of energy getting low.  Much like my daughter learning to parent herself in her 20’s, I am learning to truly nurture myself in my 40’s.  My role as a parent has evolved into a loving adviser.  She teaches me more about life than I could ever show her.  The perfect reflection of ourselves is often times found in our children.  Thank you my darling daughter, for reminding me of all the world has to offer with regards to love, friendship and healing.  I am forever grateful that you are in my life.

The past 3 years have been filled with hearts breaking open, adventures and awakening for my daughter and I as individuals and as a team.  There is no one else I would rather experience life with than this amazing young woman!

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield

Proud Momma
Forever learning