My life is a beautiful mess in perfect process.

The book of faces has this wonderful and awful feature called Memories. It is hard to believe how long I have been posting pictures and stories on Facebook!  In 2014, I was in one of the darkest times of my life. During my first cross country trip of 2015, I shared a personal journal entry that is filled with honest yet raw emotions of that dark time in 2014. At the time I shared the journal entry on my blog, I knew I had grown a great deal as a result of that dark time, but there was so much more healing needed. Yet now, 3 years later, my life is better than I could have ever imagined. Yes, there are still dark days, and sadness, but the gratitude in my life radiates. My inner love and joy is no longer under attack by others or by myself.

I crave sacred relationships where compassion, authenticity, love, kindness and room to grow as an individual thrive. Having that style of relationships is not reserved only for romantic partnerships. I strive to surround myself in those types of relationships in all aspects of my life, and have been more successful than not in doing so. What this Love Myself A Bit More tour has shown me is, the most valuable relationship is the one I have with myself. It is my job to protect the sacredness of that relationship and truly show up for my highest self in ways I never have before. In the past, my belief was that I needed to be in a romantic relationship to be fulfilled as a human being. Of course, I want one, but no longer require one to feel whole. Learning how to cherish my highest self has allowed the Universe to remove a bunch of the bull shit in my life. Finally, I am learning to get out of my own way! It is disheartening to experience people leaving my life, but I focus on setting them free, as well as myself, in order for us to find our best partners. I have come a long way in 3 years, and look forward to what life will look like in the future.

In effort to remain ridiculously vulnerable, here is the original journal entry from 3 years ago. It is a testament that everything is temporary! My life is a beautiful mess that is in perfect process, and I love it.

09/12/14  Journal of Kristin

I just want to earth to open up and swallow me. This simply hurts so very much. I feel sadness, despair, defeat, unloved, unacceptable, unwanted, a burden, hated, a nothing. My body feels heavy, tired, slow, lethargic, shaky, cold, headache, tight throat, floating, erupting with tears, and frightened, fragmented, extreme heartache.

What am I feeling? Despair. a great loss. sad. sorrow shaking crying like dying, like my soul is damaged and can’t be loved. Pain. such deep despair, nausea. My body feels sick, tired, in sludge, short of breath, the breath holding. insignificant, invisible, tiny spec of nothing and at same time without borders. It is as though I can feel everything. It all is so much. I just want to shut it out. Too intense.

What am I afraid of? That I will die. That I am so flawed. That I cause others to leave me. That my self is wrong, that I am a mistake. That the real me is unacceptable. I am quickly replaceable. I am afraid that I am so toxic to others that it is destructive to someone to love me. That it is unloving to love me, unhealthy and detrimental to others who love me. The good I offer is extremely overshadowed by the pain I cause by just being me. My existence is dangerous to others.

What do I feel is going to happen? Everyone and everything that I love will leave me. That I will be nothing, alone, on the streets, shunned, reduced to nothing of value to humanity or the planet. That I will become dust and everyone will rejoice. My body feels numb and dead already. My eyes get heavy, my voice becomes quieter. My desire is to be small and invisible for if I am not, the world will punish me. The more I show up as me, the angrier the world gets. That it unsafe to be me for others and me. For I cause so much disappointment in someone when I am me. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I want to be seen and heard with joy and companionship and support. Yet I can’t get that when I am me. I need to change to please someone else for I am annoying, a disturbance to them. I am too young, lack maturity, lack personal control. Go play alone until you can control yourself. I was the youngest in the entire family by 10 years in my home. I remember that sometimes it felt like I didn’t fit in. I was always behind. That annoying little girl that the parents loved and cousins were quick to be annoyed with. Always trying to catch up. Just couldn’t. Now here I am. All caught up now and on a second divorce. That is not what I wanted when I was trying to catch up!

My heart feels constricted, boxed in and tight. On the front side of my chest it feels like a knife stabbing into the box. Pressure rises and I simply want to be swallowed up by the earth. Pause and focus on breathing in love and light even though it hurts. Just keep breathing into the heart. Even in the Pit I know that I am love, I am lovable, and I am loved. It is sometimes impossible to pause and connect to that when it hurts. No matter what happens, my heart is radiant. I am radiant. I am love. I am light.

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield

Loving right now
Perfectly in Process
Everything is Temporary

Where does home live?

Where does home live?  I have been lost for a while, and made the mistake of attaching the feeling of home to a person.  I also attached love and happiness to people outside of myself.  People and situations are simply reflections of what is inside of me.  Home is the feeling that I am awakening to and its actual address, despite who is or isn’t in my life.

Reclaiming my power has been a journey  I committed myself to about 10 years ago.  I have discovered that love, joy, home, and happiness all live within me.  Sadness and suffering live there too.  I believed that everything else could leave me and I would still have “home” if, this one person didn’t leave. The family I thought I would have for the rest of my lifetime ended 3 years ago.  My physical address changed and many of my relationships transformed since I dedicated myself to healing.  People have either left my life completely, the essence of the relationships that stayed drastically changed, or they are brand new people.  I was hoping that the relationship with one person would be insulated from this process.    

When the shift to love myself fully occurred within me, everything external eventually would have to shift.  It may take awhile but I knew at some level, every relationship would have to change. The relationship with me is what set in motion this metamorphosis of life.  You see, once I started to fall in love with this wildly messy, beautiful being that is perfectly in process, I wanted to get to know that part of me better.  I wanted to see what fed my soul and do more of that.  I love to run, but the motivation behind running is different now. Rather than running away from the storm that is in front of me, I now move towards it.  In the act of going through the storm is where the true healing exists.  For in the center of the storm, is where I find God, peace and awareness.  

I am at my best in the woods, on long road trips, laughing with friends and dancing around the living room.  I now take care of me in all of those ways and many more.  I had the energetic tattoo of “Sucker” removed from my forehead,  and picked myself up from being the doormat only to discover the key to love is right under my feet.  I radiate joy and deep emotions all the while, I am dedicated to learning to be strong and lovingly authentic in order to create sacred relationships.  Everyday is different and some run smoother than others.  Each step is worth it, even the painful ones.

People will do what they want.  They always do.   Controlling another person is an illusion that does not last.  Previously, I wanted my external life to heal my inner life.  That is not possible, since the external world reflects to us what we believe about ourselves and life.  All of the beautiful and painful aspects that exist in life have not changed since I dedicated myself to healing 10 years ago.  I simply now recognize that beauty is everywhere, even in the pain.  People are not anti-Kristin (or others), they are pro-themselves.  Authentic and vulnerable conversations concerning our own actions take a level of awareness, compassion, courage and empathy that may take decades to develop.  Remembering that as significant relationships in my life evolve is important and challenging.  Much to my surprise a key relationship that represented “home” has also transformed drastically, just not in the way I imagined.  Ellen DeGeneres said, “When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in.”  This shift allowed me to let an enormous amount of light into my heart.  It also gave me the courage to stand up for myself with loving compassion for everyone involved while establishing boundaries.  The experience has gifted me the opportunity to remember the value in giving others space to live life as they desire.  I surrender completely, and do not claim to know what is best for anyone other than me.  As a result of this, I return to my inner home!  There is no place I’d rather be remembering all that lives inside me.

Namaste!

Kristin

Home Safe

Life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you.

I experience a rainbow of emotions as I return from my daughter’s college graduation.  Where in the world did the time go?  I swear it was just last week that she held my hand everywhere we went and called me Momma loudly and proudly.  It is such a gift to watch this precious woman spread her wings as she creates her own life.  It is a life that is uniquely hers.  I could never have imagined where her life dreams would take her.  When she was 3 she desperately wanted to be a whale keeper and that stuck until she learned that her cooking was loved by everyone around the age of 14.  She bravely followed her dream in the world of culinary nutrition.  She has lived in more places during the past 3 years than I have lived in my 45 years on the planet, and she’s just getting started.  I see the sparkle in her eyes as she embraces her friends and loved one in the area of the country where she made her home.  I am in awe of this woman who stands before me.  She is human and learning to parent herself as many of us did or still are.  The transition to adulthood is exciting, exhausting and emotionally challenging.  As it is the time in life when you must make choices for yourself.

I entered into marriage and parenthood early in my adulthood.   My pattern continues to be filled with nurturing others, taking on tasks that somehow are easier for me because of my swift actions and lack of procrastination. Due to that I struggle with boundaries to protect the precious limited resource of my energy.  There needs to be a deposit the equals the withdrawals in emotional energy for all of us.  I have a pretty deep well of energy and neglect to pay attention to the signals of limited supply that my heart and body give me.  Burn out lead me to quit life for 7 months in 2015.  Here it is 2017 and I see some signals of my well of energy getting low.  Much like my daughter learning to parent herself in her 20’s, I am learning to truly nurture myself in my 40’s.  My role as a parent has evolved into a loving adviser.  She teaches me more about life than I could ever show her.  The perfect reflection of ourselves is often times found in our children.  Thank you my darling daughter, for reminding me of all the world has to offer with regards to love, friendship and healing.  I am forever grateful that you are in my life.

The past 3 years have been filled with hearts breaking open, adventures and awakening for my daughter and I as individuals and as a team.  There is no one else I would rather experience life with than this amazing young woman!

Namaste!

Kristin Springfield

Proud Momma
Forever learning